Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Better

I am a little better today. It seems that simply allowing the possibility for "others" to talk has released a little internal pressure. The collective "I" keeps a lot of secrets. I was raised to keep my secrets and my family's secrets. I have done a superior job.

Tell nobody. That was beaten into me. So I told Nobody.

In my child mind, I told Nobody. She kept my secrets and she kept the secrets of the others too. She is crass, bitchy, abrupt, and one of my best friends which probably sounds weird to those on the outside looking in. I would imagine that her traits are due to the enormous weight and burdens that she bears.

I don't know how it happened exactly but after Nobody, I told Somebody.

And then I told Anybody.

And eventually I told Everybody.

I internalized my secrets and I believe it is a big reason that I survived. I wanted to scream from the rooftops what was happening to me but I knew better. So I was creative.

When you look at it, DID (dissociative identity disorder) is quite creative. It's a coping mechanism of a small child typically. Before the age of 5, our personality is developing, changing and blending into one. I didn't have the safe environment to do this. So angry got a name, sad got a name, scared got a name, rage got a name... you probably get the point. And then situations got a name, types of abuse got a name, daily activities got a name...

James, Elliot, Sara, Sam, Nobody, Anybody, Somebody, Everybody, and many others became "me". And they protected me from more than I could handle. It worked well as a child but now these broken pieces make life difficult, interesting, odd, and sometimes even funny.

So today is a better day. I have come to the realization that I have already survived the worst. Honesty sure does go a long way.

5 comments:

English Rider said...

In your response to Melinda in the previous post you wrote that the more you share the less power your secrets have over you. I have seen/read you over time pinpoint these truths and build on them. It is very impressive because it is surely hard won but these are the building blocks of your sturdy future.

Shattered said...

A sturdy future? I can only hope, wish, beg, plead, and pray for that. How encouraging it is for you to point out my progression as I write. Thank you for reading; thank you for the encouragement; and thank you for caring. :)

Deborah said...

After reading yesterday's post I did some reading about DID and depersonalization and have been thinking about that, and you, ever since.

I'm very glad that you feel you did the right thing by writing yesterday and I am absolutely certain that you will continue to get support and acceptance, as well as helping others to understand much more about what you struggle with.

And you write extremely well.

Shattered said...

Deborah, I hope you found the blanced information on DID... there's a lot of wacko stuff online about DID! ;)

Thank you so much for your support and acceptance; it's a scarey thing to write about what goes on in this head of mine. I do hope that as I write, more awareness is realized about mental illness. It is far more common than a lot of people would care to imagine and those who struggle with it are not "bad" or "crazy"... just different.

PS: I've never thought of myself as a good writer. Thank you.

Cerman said...

A sturdy future? I can only hope, wish, beg, plead, and pray for that. How encouraging it is for you to point out my progression as I write. Thank you for reading; thank you for the encouragement; and thank you for caring. :)