I am a little better today. It seems that simply allowing the possibility for "others" to talk has released a little internal pressure. The collective "I" keeps a lot of secrets. I was raised to keep my secrets and my family's secrets. I have done a superior job.
Tell nobody. That was beaten into me. So I told Nobody.
In my child mind, I told Nobody. She kept my secrets and she kept the secrets of the others too. She is crass, bitchy, abrupt, and one of my best friends which probably sounds weird to those on the outside looking in. I would imagine that her traits are due to the enormous weight and burdens that she bears.
I don't know how it happened exactly but after Nobody, I told Somebody.
And then I told Anybody.
And eventually I told Everybody.
I internalized my secrets and I believe it is a big reason that I survived. I wanted to scream from the rooftops what was happening to me but I knew better. So I was creative.
When you look at it, DID (dissociative identity disorder) is quite creative. It's a coping mechanism of a small child typically. Before the age of 5, our personality is developing, changing and blending into one. I didn't have the safe environment to do this. So angry got a name, sad got a name, scared got a name, rage got a name... you probably get the point. And then situations got a name, types of abuse got a name, daily activities got a name...
James, Elliot, Sara, Sam, Nobody, Anybody, Somebody, Everybody, and many others became "me". And they protected me from more than I could handle. It worked well as a child but now these broken pieces make life difficult, interesting, odd, and sometimes even funny.
So today is a better day. I have come to the realization that I have already survived the worst. Honesty sure does go a long way.
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