Ten Things I Will Never Tell my Daughter:
- I never thought I wanted children.
- How terrified I was when I was pregnant with you.
- The truth about my parents.
- The truth about my childhood.
- What a wreck I was the first 2 years of your life.
- I bought a pregnancy test and filled a prescription to overdose. You saved my life.
- How much hatred I hold inside.
- I sometimes resent the childhood you have because it makes me grieve for mine.
- The times I cringe when I see his mannerisms in you.
- The truth about your father.
Children are not created to carry adult burdens. I hate my mother for doing this to me. I listened to her rage, was the brunt of her hatred, and I now carry the shame of her truths. These are the things I will never tell my daughter. She deserves better than the truth of who I am and the secrets that I carry.
My mother destroyed herself and in the process, nearly destroyed me. I carry her woundings and hide them as best I can. They don't heal; they only fester.
The inner conflict I feel makes my skin too tight. I love, I hate. I am numb, I feel. I despair, I hope. My heart blisters and I cut. My screams of hate are silent lines and hidden scars.