Good. God. Where to start? I said that I wanted to be honest here so here I go.
I am a perfectionist. Black and white are the boxes I have tried to stuff my feelings, my thoughts, and my life into. It's not working for me anymore.
I am far from perfect. Especially when it comes to being a mother.
I smile and say that I'm not angry but rather I am sad, depressed, tired, etc. Those feelings just sound more polite. But really, I am boiling over with anger, hatred, rage, and just pure poison.
This morning I fucked up. Today I reached the point where I truly was not sure that I could be a parent. Nice. My daughter is a cute little six year old with the vocabulary of a ten year old, and the mouthy sass of a teenager. Mornings before school are tough around our house. My husband leaves before we get up so it is me versus two beagles and a six year old. I lose most mornings.
In typical fashion my daughter fought me on what to wear, what to eat for breakfast and continued to sass me. I had been pretty patient but then I lost it. With the last words of back-talk, I turned around and asked her if she wanted me to go to her Christmas party today at school because she sure wasn't acting like she wanted me around. Then I said something to the effect of "because I can just leave you and not be around at all". And I didn't just say these things. I screamed them.
I watched the tears well up in my daughter's eyes and I saw my own painful grimace worn on her undeserving face. I hurt her and my made her cry before school; two things I swore I would never do.
I salvaged the tears that I could and dropped her off at school. A few hours later I went to her party and as I walked in she looked up and saw me and burst into tears. In those tears I could hear my mother's words taunting me. We talked for a few minutes, she calmed down and I apologized. But really, how does five minutes do anything but put a band-aid on the real problem?
I'm that problem and I am scared to death. There are some people just made to be parents. They are the ones who should be allowed to have kids. I am not one of those people. For a fleeting second this morning, I honestly thought that me walking away would be best for all involved. I hate myself for arriving at that point because I watched my mother flirt and threaten with that point more times than I can count.
After the party was over I got in my car and headed back to work. I ended up turning around and going back to her school but her bio-father had already picked her up to spend the night tonight. So I'm fucked. And worse, my daughter gets to go to bed tonight, in a bed she doesn't really like, turning over in her mind what the hell her mother meant this morning when she said she would leave.
I am sick at my stomach and none of this is OK. Yet another thing I swore I would never do; making my daughter wonder who will be there in the morning.
I am so, so sorry.
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Always
Ten Things I Will Always Tell my Daughter:
- You make my life complete.
- I have learned more from you than I will ever teach you.
- It's not where you come from but rather the person that you become.
- Some of my fondest memories are those from when it was just you and me.
- "I love you"
- How beautiful you are. Inside and out.
- You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.
- The truth of who you are... kind, loving, smart, funny... even when you can't see it or believe it.
- Don't be too serious. Enjoy being a kid and always reserve a tiny corner of your heart that never grows old.
- Happy Birthday. I am so glad you were born!
Today is my daughter's 6th birthday. She loves her birthday and she loves Christmas. She says that December is the best month of her life.
This year she asked for "a private birthday party with her parents".
And a Nintendo DS.
She got both and then some...
Happy Birthday, sweet girl!
P.S. I know that you won't always want a private party with us and that is OK. Thank you for letting us be cool for however long that it lasts...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
"Z"
The impending doom of the letter "Z".
That's what is on my 5 year old's mind these days.
She is a bright little girl; she's been reading since she was 4 and she thoroughly loves her pre-kindergarten class. However, she has been expressing that she is nervous about starting kindergarten in the school with the big kids. Completely understandable. Hell, I'm nervous myself!
This year, they have a "letter of the week" and they learn the sounds the letter makes, words that start with that letter and then words that rhyme with those corresponding words.
Lately she has been not wanting to go to school and especially dreading a new week. Last night we finally figured out why. She announced over dessert that the letter they are working on this week is the letter "Y". Next week is the letter "Z". And then... she's doomed. Yes, she literally said "doomed".
Evidently, on the playground her classmates and her have collectively decided that upon ending letter "Z" week, they will promptly be dropped of at the elementary school doors to find their classroom and fend for themselves amongst the big kids. We tried our absolute hardest not to laugh and I think we managed really big smiles instead of laughter. We did our best to explain to her that that would not be happening and that she had the rest of this Spring and then the whole Summer to get ready for kindergarten and then we would take her to school. She seemed pleased with our answer and was actually excited to go to school today.
This morning I took her to her classroom and the second she walked through the door she announced to everyone, "guess what, kids! We don't have to leave after the letter "Z"! We get to stay longer and then our parents will take us to kindergarten later!". The kids who heard her stopped and clapped their hands and giggled... then they all hugged each other.
Of course the teachers looked confused and I explained the impending doom of the letter "Z". They got a good laugh out of it too and then promised to do a better job of explaining the transition to kindergarten.
That's what is on my 5 year old's mind these days.
She is a bright little girl; she's been reading since she was 4 and she thoroughly loves her pre-kindergarten class. However, she has been expressing that she is nervous about starting kindergarten in the school with the big kids. Completely understandable. Hell, I'm nervous myself!
This year, they have a "letter of the week" and they learn the sounds the letter makes, words that start with that letter and then words that rhyme with those corresponding words.
Lately she has been not wanting to go to school and especially dreading a new week. Last night we finally figured out why. She announced over dessert that the letter they are working on this week is the letter "Y". Next week is the letter "Z". And then... she's doomed. Yes, she literally said "doomed".
Evidently, on the playground her classmates and her have collectively decided that upon ending letter "Z" week, they will promptly be dropped of at the elementary school doors to find their classroom and fend for themselves amongst the big kids. We tried our absolute hardest not to laugh and I think we managed really big smiles instead of laughter. We did our best to explain to her that that would not be happening and that she had the rest of this Spring and then the whole Summer to get ready for kindergarten and then we would take her to school. She seemed pleased with our answer and was actually excited to go to school today.
This morning I took her to her classroom and the second she walked through the door she announced to everyone, "guess what, kids! We don't have to leave after the letter "Z"! We get to stay longer and then our parents will take us to kindergarten later!". The kids who heard her stopped and clapped their hands and giggled... then they all hugged each other.
Of course the teachers looked confused and I explained the impending doom of the letter "Z". They got a good laugh out of it too and then promised to do a better job of explaining the transition to kindergarten.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Knots
When my daughter is nervous, she says that she has knots in her stomach. Today, I have knots in my stomach.
My step-kids were born 2 years and 1 day a part. Today is the birthday celebration. We have seen very little of them this month because they spent Spring Break with their mother. But tonight begins the usual routine again and I'm a nervous wreck. I have actually gotten comfortable in my home again and I am so afraid that comfort is going to all disappear beginning tonight.
Hubby, my daughter and I went birthday shopping for them last night and it was quite honestly, a miserable experience. And no, those weren't the words coming out of my wicked stepmother mouth; they were hubby's words. The kids typically hate anything we buy them. Nothing is good enough. Their typical responses are somewhere along the lines of, "is that it?"... "but I really wanted _____"... or the worst, "can I exchange this for cash so I can get something I want?". The last response was said at Christmas to their grandma, my husband's mother. We were mortified. We do not raise our kids to be ungrateful and spoiled. We correct the behavior but it always continues because somewhere over the years, a sense of entitlement has developed and been nurtured by the home they spend the most time at.
The gifts, our home, our love, our care; none of it is appreciated or good enough. Soon enough, our home will be a war zone once again; filled with teenage temper-tantrums, backtalk, screaming, rolled eyes and tears. I hate having such a negative perception. However, when I look, hope and pray for the good, it's kicked in my face and I am more disappointed than if I had just expected the "norm".
It's a sad situation we find ourselves in and it breaks my heart to watch the very home that I longed for as a child to transform into a place filled with anxiety and stress. I wish I had an answer but I do not. No one does. Professionals have told us that they will realize the truth when they are older and that's all fine and good. But what about the rest of us who know the truth and the actual truth of our circumstances today? What happens to us when we are older after living years of this stress and hurt?
I truly am the most sad for the kids. All of the kids. I would be lying if I said that I don't worry about the impact this could have on my daughter. I grew up in a stress-filled home; albeit much worse but this is still not ideal for her. What if she has knots in her stomach now and what if they don't go away? And what about the other two kids? What is going to happen to them if they continue to grow up thinking that this is the way you treat people? I can't imagine that will be a pretty lesson to learn...
I feel pulled in two different directions and more and more, I find myself wishing that I could just have my home back for the sake of the three of us who live there full time. I know I must sound selfish and bitchy but this is where I'm at.
For now.
My step-kids were born 2 years and 1 day a part. Today is the birthday celebration. We have seen very little of them this month because they spent Spring Break with their mother. But tonight begins the usual routine again and I'm a nervous wreck. I have actually gotten comfortable in my home again and I am so afraid that comfort is going to all disappear beginning tonight.
Hubby, my daughter and I went birthday shopping for them last night and it was quite honestly, a miserable experience. And no, those weren't the words coming out of my wicked stepmother mouth; they were hubby's words. The kids typically hate anything we buy them. Nothing is good enough. Their typical responses are somewhere along the lines of, "is that it?"... "but I really wanted _____"... or the worst, "can I exchange this for cash so I can get something I want?". The last response was said at Christmas to their grandma, my husband's mother. We were mortified. We do not raise our kids to be ungrateful and spoiled. We correct the behavior but it always continues because somewhere over the years, a sense of entitlement has developed and been nurtured by the home they spend the most time at.
The gifts, our home, our love, our care; none of it is appreciated or good enough. Soon enough, our home will be a war zone once again; filled with teenage temper-tantrums, backtalk, screaming, rolled eyes and tears. I hate having such a negative perception. However, when I look, hope and pray for the good, it's kicked in my face and I am more disappointed than if I had just expected the "norm".
It's a sad situation we find ourselves in and it breaks my heart to watch the very home that I longed for as a child to transform into a place filled with anxiety and stress. I wish I had an answer but I do not. No one does. Professionals have told us that they will realize the truth when they are older and that's all fine and good. But what about the rest of us who know the truth and the actual truth of our circumstances today? What happens to us when we are older after living years of this stress and hurt?
I truly am the most sad for the kids. All of the kids. I would be lying if I said that I don't worry about the impact this could have on my daughter. I grew up in a stress-filled home; albeit much worse but this is still not ideal for her. What if she has knots in her stomach now and what if they don't go away? And what about the other two kids? What is going to happen to them if they continue to grow up thinking that this is the way you treat people? I can't imagine that will be a pretty lesson to learn...
I feel pulled in two different directions and more and more, I find myself wishing that I could just have my home back for the sake of the three of us who live there full time. I know I must sound selfish and bitchy but this is where I'm at.
For now.
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