Saturday, February 11, 2012

It

I'm not scared of It anymore.

It is not a mythical beast sent to conquer.

Don't get too close.  It might be the end of you.

You are too close to It's risk.  A sad statistic.

You are just like them.  It will snatch you soon.  He whispers this our one last time.

His familiar heaviness makes It real.  The forbidden rhythm numbs the pain. 

The only tears I cry are as his life drips with sticky shame.

Just like that.  They are gone.  It pulled them under.  Freshly gone; we are left. 

Like daggers he speaks.  I have you all.  To myself.  Just like we always wanted. 

Together; until It soils you too.

How might you do It?

Different than they.

Take my belt.  And when you do It.  Feel my final hands remove the life that only I could give.

I still have the belt.  Well worn.  A staple of my life. 

The gatekeeper of his piercing. 

The weapon fashioned making skin so raw.

Crammed away I hear It taunt.  It teases with It's destiny.

I remain after him but his hold lives on in leather form.

Too afraid to touch It.  His belt is my own It.  The last connection.

My pieces.  Myself.  We beg to throw It away.

That belt.  It.  His final grip.

I can only hope that courage wins to turn It over.  To will It gone.  Forever.

Until It is just a distant, formless it.

19 comments:

Ruth said...

I so want you to be rid of it. But I know it will have to be in your time. And not before. And the symbol is powerful and apt.

JeannetteLS said...

"I can only hope that courage wins to turn It over. To will It gone. Forever.

Until It is just a distant, formless it."

Me, too. Me, too. And I'm just going to keep on believing that your courage WILL win. So there.

Come At Me Bro said...

This is great!

JeannetteLS said...

I was simply thinking of you today and felt like telling you. And I found myself hoping that the last two days were days that had some times of peace and perhaps some laughter in them.

That's all.

Shattered said...

Ruth, I'm working on getting rid of it. It's dumb to have sentimental value with something like that...

Shattered said...

Jeannette,

Thank you for all your encouragement. It means a lot coming from someone who's been through this.

JeannetteLS said...

No need to respond, Shattered, if you don't want to. Thinking of you today... A poem from a couple of days ago on Erin's site put me back to a particularly dreadful day.

I realized that I have the tools to get OUT of that memory now, but I still go back sometimes when I don't intend to. And I thought of how much luckier--and it IS dumb luck that I was given other people to help me--I was than you.

And how incredibly brave I believe you are to walk through all this WITH US. In hopes that it helps someone else.

I am being selfish and I want to tell you it helps ME sometimes, too. I am not immune to the worst of my past, though it does not control me any more. You help me find my courage faster and use those tools faster.

That's all. And how can I NOT be concerned sometimes when you do not have a post? BUT, I still picture you with your child. Or your husband. Perhaps having a GOOD week. Perhaps your daughter is on vacation.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

I ran away with my best friend this weekend. I thought I would check to see if you'd written lately because I have not been on my blog much. But I see you have not.

I will simply hope and pray that it is a GOOD thing that you've been silent, and that it is not because you are hanging on by a thinner thread.

Just know you are not forgotten. Know that I keep you in what passes for prayer from me. Which means that sometimes I focus what light I have on you, that you come through this fire and see your own beauty.

JeannetteLS said...

I hit anonymous by mistake when my cursor stuck! That was me.

mile191 said...

sad. and yet.....real.

thanks for sharing.

mile 191

mile191 said...

sad. and yet.....real.

thanks for sharing.

mile 191

JeannetteLS said...

Are you okay? My email is in my profile, I think. I just wanted you to know I think of you. That's all.

Sofie said...

Found your blog through another blog a few hours ago, and just read it all. Every single post, in an almost obsessive way. I think you're an incredible person the way you're dealing with all of it, and please, if you see this (it's been a while since you posted) do keep letting us come along on your journey. It is so real, and that is so important. I hope you're okay. X

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Anonymous said...

Jennifer,
Today I saw the word 'shattered' and thought of you. Is it a bad sign that you've not been back here in so long? I hope not. You have left your mark on many people.
Deborah (formerly of Temptation of Words)

Shamanic Yogini: Life Through A Different Lens said...

Dear Shattered:
I hope your are doing all right. I hope you have found some peace and happiness in your life. I hope you did not choose the suicide route. Your story is one of courage and the will to survive against all odds. Many more women need to hear your story. If you are inspired to do so, I hope you will take up posting to this blog again and let all of us who care about you know that you are still with us....and hopefully thriving.

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