Always

Ten Things I Will Always Tell my Daughter:

1. You make my life complete.
2. I have learned more from you than I will ever teach you.
3. It's not where you come from but rather the person that you become.
4. Some of my fondest memories are those from when it was just you and me.
5. "I love you"
6. How beautiful you are.  Inside and out.
7. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.
8. The truth of who you are... kind, loving, smart, funny... even when you can't see it or believe it.
9. Don't be too serious.  Enjoy being a kid and always reserve a tiny corner of your heart that never grows old.
10. Happy Birthday.  I am so glad you were born!

Today is my daughter's 6th birthday.  She loves her birthday and she loves Christmas.  She says that December is the best month of her life. 

This year she asked for "a private birthday party with her parents".

And a Nintendo DS.

She got both and then some...

Happy Birthday, sweet girl!

P.S.  I know that you won't always want a private party with us and that is OK.  Thank you for letting us be cool for however long that it lasts... 

Good

I am making a concerted effort to look for the good in my life and embrace it rather than dreading when that good will come to an end. Pain has been such a staple in my life that sometimes I actually feel more comfortable in pain than I do in celebrating the good. I am much like the career prisoners who cannot thrive in society once they are released from prison so they quickly break the law so they can return to their home and their comfort zone which is behind bars. I seek the pain in my and live behind those bars because my comfort zone is surviving rather than thriving. If I can't find that pain then I self-destruct.

I remember when I was a new mother. I was terrified but bolstered by that fear so I set my mind to my and my daughter's survival. I did the same in my first marriage; I survived the abuse of my ex-husband and never looked further than just existing. I survived my childhood which was an accomplishment. I did thrive in some areas but that was simply how I coped and sought approval. I have never really looked past surviving and I am missing out on a lot.

I have good in my life and instead of being terrified of losing it, I am going to embrace it while I can. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. Yes, loss will come but how much more painful will that loss be if I never enjoyed the time I had? And honestly, I am stealing from my family by simply surviving instead of giving all of myself to them.

Now, I know that I cannot ignore my past and the memories either but I am beginning to realize that facing those things will be a little easier if I have a buoy of good to hang on to when things get rough. There is more pain to come but there is even more good, I just have to look for it.