Sitting on a small couch last night, I felt as if I was sitting on the corner of some cosmic world. Alone. Completely alone. And this particular world was not round; rather it was square. Square because there is no circular justice. Not unless you count being tortured and murdered as some sort of redemptive revenge.
And then I felt injustice pressing squarely behind my tired eyes. What has happened is not just. Nor is it fair because they have made their exits and I have survived.
Everyone is dead... that keeps ringing in my head. I know that is not the precise case but in my own twisted world, everyone is, in fact, dead.
So now I sit week after week, even moment after moment, left to deal with their abuse, their hatred, their woundings, and their deaths. Then there are my scars, my memories, my terrors, and all the collateral damage that comes with being a member of this disappearing family. Theirs and Mine: two separate and fancy walk-in closets full of skeletons and ghosts tucked away in every nook and custom built drawer specifically designed for keeping the best and most wrenching secrets. What an inheritance.
All this while their ashes stir peacefully in the smallest pockets of square cosmic spaces.
Death let them off the hook. And now I feel that I am on the hook for the lion's share of the damage. This hurts deeply; deeper than I ever imagined. This surprises me. I knew and yes, I fantasized, that this day would come. And here it is and I writhe alone.
But with this pain I have also discovered a considerable peace. I can sleep. Really sleep. I have never slept well, even as a married adult sleeping in a safe environment. From the day he fled I held my breath dreading his return. Checking on my daughter five times a night was nothing strange. I had to know that he was not in her room. And with that knowledge I stole another hour of sleep. So now I sleep surprised, soundly and deeply.
While I always knew this day would arrive, I never believed it would. We are no longer looking over our collective shoulder.
And that freedom is a complete, yet lost, surprise.
Popping the Christian Bubble #UNITE
1 day ago