Good. God. Where to start? I said that I wanted to be honest here so here I go.
I am a perfectionist. Black and white are the boxes I have tried to stuff my feelings, my thoughts, and my life into. It's not working for me anymore.
I am far from perfect. Especially when it comes to being a mother.
I smile and say that I'm not angry but rather I am sad, depressed, tired, etc. Those feelings just sound more polite. But really, I am boiling over with anger, hatred, rage, and just pure poison.
This morning I fucked up. Today I reached the point where I truly was not sure that I could be a parent. Nice. My daughter is a cute little six year old with the vocabulary of a ten year old, and the mouthy sass of a teenager. Mornings before school are tough around our house. My husband leaves before we get up so it is me versus two beagles and a six year old. I lose most mornings.
In typical fashion my daughter fought me on what to wear, what to eat for breakfast and continued to sass me. I had been pretty patient but then I lost it. With the last words of back-talk, I turned around and asked her if she wanted me to go to her Christmas party today at school because she sure wasn't acting like she wanted me around. Then I said something to the effect of "because I can just leave you and not be around at all". And I didn't just say these things. I screamed them.
I watched the tears well up in my daughter's eyes and I saw my own painful grimace worn on her undeserving face. I hurt her and my made her cry before school; two things I swore I would never do.
I salvaged the tears that I could and dropped her off at school. A few hours later I went to her party and as I walked in she looked up and saw me and burst into tears. In those tears I could hear my mother's words taunting me. We talked for a few minutes, she calmed down and I apologized. But really, how does five minutes do anything but put a band-aid on the real problem?
I'm that problem and I am scared to death. There are some people just made to be parents. They are the ones who should be allowed to have kids. I am not one of those people. For a fleeting second this morning, I honestly thought that me walking away would be best for all involved. I hate myself for arriving at that point because I watched my mother flirt and threaten with that point more times than I can count.
After the party was over I got in my car and headed back to work. I ended up turning around and going back to her school but her bio-father had already picked her up to spend the night tonight. So I'm fucked. And worse, my daughter gets to go to bed tonight, in a bed she doesn't really like, turning over in her mind what the hell her mother meant this morning when she said she would leave.
I am sick at my stomach and none of this is OK. Yet another thing I swore I would never do; making my daughter wonder who will be there in the morning.
I am so, so sorry.
Hanging On No More
19 hours ago