"Z"

The impending doom of the letter "Z".

That's what is on my 5 year old's mind these days.

She is a bright little girl; she's been reading since she was 4 and she thoroughly loves her pre-kindergarten class. However, she has been expressing that she is nervous about starting kindergarten in the school with the big kids. Completely understandable. Hell, I'm nervous myself!

This year, they have a "letter of the week" and they learn the sounds the letter makes, words that start with that letter and then words that rhyme with those corresponding words.

Lately she has been not wanting to go to school and especially dreading a new week. Last night we finally figured out why. She announced over dessert that the letter they are working on this week is the letter "Y". Next week is the letter "Z". And then... she's doomed. Yes, she literally said "doomed".

Evidently, on the playground her classmates and her have collectively decided that upon ending letter "Z" week, they will promptly be dropped of at the elementary school doors to find their classroom and fend for themselves amongst the big kids. We tried our absolute hardest not to laugh and I think we managed really big smiles instead of laughter. We did our best to explain to her that that would not be happening and that she had the rest of this Spring and then the whole Summer to get ready for kindergarten and then we would take her to school. She seemed pleased with our answer and was actually excited to go to school today.

This morning I took her to her classroom and the second she walked through the door she announced to everyone, "guess what, kids! We don't have to leave after the letter "Z"! We get to stay longer and then our parents will take us to kindergarten later!". The kids who heard her stopped and clapped their hands and giggled... then they all hugged each other.

Of course the teachers looked confused and I explained the impending doom of the letter "Z". They got a good laugh out of it too and then promised to do a better job of explaining the transition to kindergarten.

Knots

When my daughter is nervous, she says that she has knots in her stomach. Today, I have knots in my stomach.

My step-kids were born 2 years and 1 day a part. Today is the birthday celebration. We have seen very little of them this month because they spent Spring Break with their mother. But tonight begins the usual routine again and I'm a nervous wreck. I have actually gotten comfortable in my home again and I am so afraid that comfort is going to all disappear beginning tonight.

Hubby, my daughter and I went birthday shopping for them last night and it was quite honestly, a miserable experience. And no, those weren't the words coming out of my wicked stepmother mouth; they were hubby's words. The kids typically hate anything we buy them. Nothing is good enough. Their typical responses are somewhere along the lines of, "is that it?"... "but I really wanted _____"... or the worst, "can I exchange this for cash so I can get something I want?". The last response was said at Christmas to their grandma, my husband's mother. We were mortified. We do not raise our kids to be ungrateful and spoiled. We correct the behavior but it always continues because somewhere over the years, a sense of entitlement has developed and been nurtured by the home they spend the most time at.

The gifts, our home, our love, our care; none of it is appreciated or good enough. Soon enough, our home will be a war zone once again; filled with teenage temper-tantrums, backtalk, screaming, rolled eyes and tears. I hate having such a negative perception. However, when I look, hope and pray for the good, it's kicked in my face and I am more disappointed than if I had just expected the "norm".

It's a sad situation we find ourselves in and it breaks my heart to watch the very home that I longed for as a child to transform into a place filled with anxiety and stress. I wish I had an answer but I do not. No one does. Professionals have told us that they will realize the truth when they are older and that's all fine and good. But what about the rest of us who know the truth and the actual truth of our circumstances today? What happens to us when we are older after living years of this stress and hurt?

I truly am the most sad for the kids. All of the kids. I would be lying if I said that I don't worry about the impact this could have on my daughter. I grew up in a stress-filled home; albeit much worse but this is still not ideal for her. What if she has knots in her stomach now and what if they don't go away? And what about the other two kids? What is going to happen to them if they continue to grow up thinking that this is the way you treat people? I can't imagine that will be a pretty lesson to learn...

I feel pulled in two different directions and more and more, I find myself wishing that I could just have my home back for the sake of the three of us who live there full time. I know I must sound selfish and bitchy but this is where I'm at.

For now.

Slow

It is a rare event that my husband and I have a day to ourselves. We typically have 1 or 3 kids with us, he works many weekends and generally we are just going in many different directions that manifest in the ways of birthday parties, karate, soccer, school projects, yard work, house work, grocery shopping, etc. Yesterday was not one of those days.

My daughter spent the day with a family friend and their kids. His kids were with their mother. He didn't have to work and that left the two of us on our own. I saw my daughter off and I actually went back to bed for an hour. I have not been sleeping well so that extra hour did me a lot of good. After that, I got up and walked into a clean kitchen and hot coffee thanks to hubby. We sat on the couch drinking coffee and decided that we should go see a movie... a grown-up movie. We saw Duplicity and loved it.

We spent the rest of the day watching sports; something we both love to do but never have the time or the competitive edge to win out over SpongeBob or Hannah Montana. We then ate ice cream for dinner; something we will never admit to our kids... . We finished the day by taking a walk with our dog and talking about nothing in particular.

Shortly after that my daughter came home covered in face paint, exhausted, and begging to go to bed. It was a good day for her too.

It was a slow day and a good day. We have too few of these and I will look forward to the rare occasion, months down the road where another one will occur by chance. For nearly three years, our lives have been turned upside down by a bitter woman who wishes us, and especially our marriage, harm. Many of our weekends are spent being divided into "his" and hers" teams and it is a tiresome existence.

How comforting it is to know that when the dust settles and we are on our own that we still like, love, and enjoy each other's company. He has his baggage and God knows, I have my own truckload and a storage unit of baggage, but somehow we work and I am thankful for what we have.