Afraid

I deal with fear nearly every single moment that I'm awake.  My past has left me a very fearful present.

I am also afraid and that feels very different.  To me, being afraid is the current not directly tied to my past. 

Just a side effect.

Afraid of being fragile.  Afraid of being pitied.  Afraid of being angry.  Afraid of being mean.  Afraid of losing my job.  Afraid of being abandoned.  Afraid of losing everything because I can never grip it tight enough.

I try to wrap my arms around Afraid because I cannot hold it all in my hands.  But then a tremor wiggles through my hand.  And then it works its way up my arm.  My shoulder shudders.  My head twitches.  The other shoulders rolls as my other hand is paralyzed.  I am limp and worthless to contain Afraid.

Afraid tells me that I'm doing this all wrong.  That I'm not healing right.  Good enough.  Fast enough. 

I am afraid of Afraid.

Afraid

My husband recently referred to me as a neurotic freak who is afraid of everything.

He is a good man and infinitely patient but this was probably not his shining moment of spousal support or encouragement.  But I took from it what I needed.

The truth hurts.  I can either be upset and bitter at his words or I can work things out.  Because he's right.

I am afraid of nearly everything.  When you grow up in a house like I did, nearly everything becomes an instrument of torment.  I started making a mental list and now that I really can't sleep, I thought that I would continue here. 

Just the things or situations... the reasons aren't as important anymore.

Clothes hangers

Hair brush

Curling iron

House slippers

Milk

Pudding

Cats

Closets

Deep-freeze freezer

The dark

Whole bananas

The dentist

Needles

Liquid medications

Most colognes

Old Spice aftershave

Ants

Spiders

Rope

Loud noises

Screaming and yelling

Slamming doors

Glass breaking

Popping balloons

Scaring me

Mirrors

Electrical cords

Belts

Men crossing their legs

Touching me

Pillows

Vaseline

Baby dolls

Tight spaces

Smell of latex

Knives

Bathtubs

Water

Masks

Duct tape

Bright lights

Using the restroom

Hands

Garden hoses

Cemeteries

Smell of gasoline

Boiling water

Bouquets of flowers

Like I said, nearly everything.

I could go on but I'll save myself the smallest amount of dignity.

As I read through the list some are rational.  Some make sense to me.  Some are irrational.  Some you could figure out with a bit of imagination but I really don't recommend that.

I'll own up to the afraid part.  I'll even own the neurotic part.  I don't care much for the freak part.  They were the freaks.  Not me.  I'm just the unfortunate byproduct.

Another fear; passing my fears on to my daughter.  She doesn't deserve to live in my fearful shadow.  There is no such thing as a fear-free life but I don't want her be afraid of bananas just because her mom wilts at the sight of one.  I want her to be a kid, have her own experiences and even develop a few fear of her own.

I'm not sure what I will do with this list.  Maybe I'll work through it one by one.  Maybe I'll ignore it all together.  Maybe I'll print it and give it to my husband; tangible proof that I'm not afraid of everything.

I'm not afraid of apples.