My husband recently referred to me as a neurotic freak who is afraid of everything.
He is a good man and infinitely patient but this was probably not his shining moment of spousal support or encouragement. But I took from it what I needed.
The truth hurts. I can either be upset and bitter at his words or I can work things out. Because he's right.
I am afraid of nearly everything. When you grow up in a house like I did, nearly everything becomes an instrument of torment. I started making a mental list and now that I really can't sleep, I thought that I would continue here.
Just the things or situations... the reasons aren't as important anymore.
Old Spice aftershave
Screaming and yelling
Men crossing their legs
Smell of latex
Using the restroom
Smell of gasoline
Bouquets of flowers
Like I said, nearly everything.
I could go on but I'll save myself the smallest amount of dignity.
As I read through the list some are rational. Some make sense to me. Some are irrational. Some you could figure out with a bit of imagination but I really don't recommend that.
I'll own up to the afraid part. I'll even own the neurotic part. I don't care much for the freak part. They were the freaks. Not me. I'm just the unfortunate byproduct.
Another fear; passing my fears on to my daughter. She doesn't deserve to live in my fearful shadow. There is no such thing as a fear-free life but I don't want her be afraid of bananas just because her mom wilts at the sight of one. I want her to be a kid, have her own experiences and even develop a few fear of her own.
I'm not sure what I will do with this list. Maybe I'll work through it one by one. Maybe I'll ignore it all together. Maybe I'll print it and give it to my husband; tangible proof that I'm not afraid of everything.
I'm not afraid of apples.
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