Saturday, September 10, 2011

Afraid

My husband recently referred to me as a neurotic freak who is afraid of everything.

He is a good man and infinitely patient but this was probably not his shining moment of spousal support or encouragement.  But I took from it what I needed.

The truth hurts.  I can either be upset and bitter at his words or I can work things out.  Because he's right.

I am afraid of nearly everything.  When you grow up in a house like I did, nearly everything becomes an instrument of torment.  I started making a mental list and now that I really can't sleep, I thought that I would continue here. 

Just the things or situations... the reasons aren't as important anymore.

Clothes hangers

Hair brush

Curling iron

House slippers

Milk

Pudding

Cats

Closets

Deep-freeze freezer

The dark

Whole bananas

The dentist

Needles

Liquid medications

Most colognes

Old Spice aftershave

Ants

Spiders

Rope

Loud noises

Screaming and yelling

Slamming doors

Glass breaking

Popping balloons

Scaring me

Mirrors

Electrical cords

Belts

Men crossing their legs

Touching me

Pillows

Vaseline

Baby dolls

Tight spaces

Smell of latex

Knives

Bathtubs

Water

Masks

Duct tape

Bright lights

Using the restroom

Hands

Garden hoses

Cemeteries

Smell of gasoline

Boiling water

Bouquets of flowers

Like I said, nearly everything.

I could go on but I'll save myself the smallest amount of dignity.

As I read through the list some are rational.  Some make sense to me.  Some are irrational.  Some you could figure out with a bit of imagination but I really don't recommend that.

I'll own up to the afraid part.  I'll even own the neurotic part.  I don't care much for the freak part.  They were the freaks.  Not me.  I'm just the unfortunate byproduct.

Another fear; passing my fears on to my daughter.  She doesn't deserve to live in my fearful shadow.  There is no such thing as a fear-free life but I don't want her be afraid of bananas just because her mom wilts at the sight of one.  I want her to be a kid, have her own experiences and even develop a few fear of her own.

I'm not sure what I will do with this list.  Maybe I'll work through it one by one.  Maybe I'll ignore it all together.  Maybe I'll print it and give it to my husband; tangible proof that I'm not afraid of everything.

I'm not afraid of apples.

9 comments:

svasti said...

I'm so glad that you've started yoga. All I can say is keep it up. Don't stop going, even when you feel like hiding from the world. Buy DVDs and practice at home.

It's a long, slow process but yoga can help you unravel some of your fears. Often its not even about addressing fears directly, but instead it can be about coming into contact with who you really are - the very essence of your nature as a part of the universe.

I know that sounds a little far out and perhaps even hard to accept. But believe me, yoga heals. It just takes time and commitment. xx

Von said...

I'm sure you'll be given lots of advice here in the end you have to do what seems right for you.I'm so sorry , it's all understandable and has it's logic. Best of luck with whatever you decide to try.

Ruth said...

Terrifying.

Jennifer, are you familiar with Katie Byron and her book Loving What Is? I recently read it straight through (the first time I've done this). I am not offering it as a panacea, for that is not possible with what you have experienced. But I do highly recommend Katie's approach.

homeheartandhaven said...

I can completely relate to being afraid of everything. I too grew up in an abusive home, and my list of irrational fears is also long. My husband is very patient with me too- though I know often he does not understand the anxiety I still deal with. I go back and forth from being afraid to being angry (which is just a mask for the fear I still battle.) Even after the many years of therapy and healing (which I do believe my heart has healed in a lot of ways) I still fight the battle of fear daily.

Thank you for taking a few minutes to read my blog... as I have spent the last bit reading yours, I am surprised at how much I can relate to your story. I know it's hard- but the work you are doing now- in exploring your pain- can be the most healing- although it hurts so much to go through it.

You are so brave and couragous!! You have survived a horrible past- and yet you are not giving up. You are fighting your fears. Youa are seeking help. Hang in there. Praying for you as you continue on your journey to healing and peace!

Shattered said...

Svasti, thank you for your input! I haven't been brave enough to take a class yet. I have some DVD's and surprisingly enough, there is a pretty good app for my iPad that I use. It's all very basic but that is really all I need right now.

And I don't think that healing from yoga is far out at all; the mind/body connection is amazing.

Shattered said...

Von, thank you for your comment. Maybe I'll try a little of everything....

Shattered said...

Ruth, thank you for the book suggestion! I bought it this weekend and I'm looking forward to reading it. I'll let you know how it goes...

Shattered said...

Homeheartandhaven, thank you so much for your encouragement. I'm sad that you can relate but it also gives me hope that all this can get better. You mentioned anger being a mask for fear and I found that really interesting. I'm angry on the inside but I rarely express it. The only emotion I seem to be good at expressing is fear. Anger scares me to death so good for you being able to express it.

Thanks again for your comment.

erin said...

i came back at random because you seem so familiar. i wondered if i had met you before. and then i see you are not afraid of apples. i must know you!

xo
erin