Need

From The Pliers: The question that occurs to me tonight as I follow the progress of your reclamation project is, What is the singularly most important thing that any given reader of your blog can do for you, with you, or on your behalf as s/he or reads your words?

To be an effect.  To be affected...

There are remarkably unique readers here.  I wrote to another reader that I want my readers to take from my words exactly what they need, not what I want them to need.  That would be rather selfish of me as I have spent a lifetime being told what to feel, what not to feel, and how to feel.  Here is not the place for that.

I began writing here to keep a journal.  One out of ink and out of nosey hands.  I love my family but one member in particular likes to read my spilled guts.  I'm anonymous here and so I write freely.  I have in fact shared printed pages of this site in person but that is as far as I have gotten.

In my writing you will find love.  I deeply love my daughter and my husband.  On paper I am not capable of love.  I believed that lie for far too long.  Love is what drives me to succeed in this; to excel at being whole. 

My love goes beyond those who live in my home as well.  This is a bold love; a love that hopes and believes for the best.  This love hopes that every time my father calls that he will be calling to tell me he has changed.  This love hopes that my mother found the end of her turmoil.  This love envelops hate, consumes despair and braids the three into something fierce and sharp.  My love for my parents cuts and and shreds but loves these imperfect people because they gave me life and they did not kill me; this is the best I got from them.  Underneath the shards of pain, I love them.  Not for what they did but rather for what they didn't.

In these pages the closed mind, the unscathed will find truth.  There are those who hold tightly to a small little world where nothing all that bad happens.  It does.  To children and adults alike. An awareness can be found here as brutal words are wrapped around the perspective of a small child.  It is hard to ignore.

And lastly, for the broken, for the survivor, for the lost; there is hope.  What I write is only my version of hope so seek your hope out as well.  But take from me what you need even if it is just the smallest understanding that you are not alone. 

Because you are not.

For those who are able, take from me the awareness that there are others like me; your neighbors, your friends, the child in your own child's class who forces a smile but carries a frown that is just a little too deep for a tiny face.

What can a reader do?  Please do not waste my woundings.  Take what you need.

Be an effect.  Be affected by love, truth, hope...

Slow

It is a rare event that my husband and I have a day to ourselves. We typically have 1 or 3 kids with us, he works many weekends and generally we are just going in many different directions that manifest in the ways of birthday parties, karate, soccer, school projects, yard work, house work, grocery shopping, etc. Yesterday was not one of those days.

My daughter spent the day with a family friend and their kids. His kids were with their mother. He didn't have to work and that left the two of us on our own. I saw my daughter off and I actually went back to bed for an hour. I have not been sleeping well so that extra hour did me a lot of good. After that, I got up and walked into a clean kitchen and hot coffee thanks to hubby. We sat on the couch drinking coffee and decided that we should go see a movie... a grown-up movie. We saw Duplicity and loved it.

We spent the rest of the day watching sports; something we both love to do but never have the time or the competitive edge to win out over SpongeBob or Hannah Montana. We then ate ice cream for dinner; something we will never admit to our kids... . We finished the day by taking a walk with our dog and talking about nothing in particular.

Shortly after that my daughter came home covered in face paint, exhausted, and begging to go to bed. It was a good day for her too.

It was a slow day and a good day. We have too few of these and I will look forward to the rare occasion, months down the road where another one will occur by chance. For nearly three years, our lives have been turned upside down by a bitter woman who wishes us, and especially our marriage, harm. Many of our weekends are spent being divided into "his" and hers" teams and it is a tiresome existence.

How comforting it is to know that when the dust settles and we are on our own that we still like, love, and enjoy each other's company. He has his baggage and God knows, I have my own truckload and a storage unit of baggage, but somehow we work and I am thankful for what we have.

Good

I am making a concerted effort to look for the good in my life and embrace it rather than dreading when that good will come to an end. Pain has been such a staple in my life that sometimes I actually feel more comfortable in pain than I do in celebrating the good. I am much like the career prisoners who cannot thrive in society once they are released from prison so they quickly break the law so they can return to their home and their comfort zone which is behind bars. I seek the pain in my and live behind those bars because my comfort zone is surviving rather than thriving. If I can't find that pain then I self-destruct.

I remember when I was a new mother. I was terrified but bolstered by that fear so I set my mind to my and my daughter's survival. I did the same in my first marriage; I survived the abuse of my ex-husband and never looked further than just existing. I survived my childhood which was an accomplishment. I did thrive in some areas but that was simply how I coped and sought approval. I have never really looked past surviving and I am missing out on a lot.

I have good in my life and instead of being terrified of losing it, I am going to embrace it while I can. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. Yes, loss will come but how much more painful will that loss be if I never enjoyed the time I had? And honestly, I am stealing from my family by simply surviving instead of giving all of myself to them.

Now, I know that I cannot ignore my past and the memories either but I am beginning to realize that facing those things will be a little easier if I have a buoy of good to hang on to when things get rough. There is more pain to come but there is even more good, I just have to look for it.