Thursday, December 17, 2009

Need

From The Pliers: The question that occurs to me tonight as I follow the progress of your reclamation project is, What is the singularly most important thing that any given reader of your blog can do for you, with you, or on your behalf as s/he or reads your words?
To be an effect.  To be affected...

There are remarkably unique readers here.  I wrote to another reader that I want my readers to take from my words exactly what they need, not what I want them to need.  That would be rather selfish of me as I have spent a lifetime being told what to feel, what not to feel, and how to feel.  Here is not the place for that.

I began writing here to keep a journal.  One out of ink and out of nosey hands.  I love my family but one member in particular likes to read my spilled guts.  I'm anonymous here and so I write freely.  I have in fact shared printed pages of this site in person but that is as far as I have gotten.

In my writing you will find love.  I deeply love my daughter and my husband.  On paper I am not capable of love.  I believed that lie for far too long.  Love is what drives me to succeed in this; to excel at being whole. 

My love goes beyond those who live in my home as well.  This is a bold love; a love that hopes and believes for the best.  This love hopes that every time my father calls that he will be calling to tell me he has changed.  This love hopes that my mother found the end of her turmoil.  This love envelops hate, consumes despair and braids the three into something fierce and sharp.  My love for my parents cuts and and shreds but loves these imperfect people because they gave me life and they did not kill me; this is the best I got from them.  Underneath the shards of pain, I love them.  Not for what they did but rather for what they didn't.

In these pages the closed mind, the unscathed will find truth.  There are those who hold tightly to a small little world where nothing all that bad happens.  It does.  To children and adults alike. An awareness can be found here as brutal words are wrapped around the perspective of a small child.  It is hard to ignore.

And lastly, for the broken, for the survivor, for the lost; there is hope.  What I write is only my version of hope so seek your hope out as well.  But take from me what you need even if it is just the smallest understanding that you are not alone. 

Because you are not.

For those who are able, take from me the awareness that there are others like me; your neighbors, your friends, the child in your own child's class who forces a smile but carries a frown that is just a little too deep for a tiny face.

What can a reader do?  Please do not waste my woundings.  Take what you need.

Be an effect.  Be affected by love, truth, hope...

14 comments:

shadyrae said...

You offer SO Much in your words Shattered. I look forward to reading your next post because of all that you have to offer.

You offer me hope. You offer me the belief that things can change, and that I can come through this unscathed.

You offer me information, about DID, abuse, and such. I enjoy reading you so much.

I find that you have INCREDIBLE strength. You have so much love to offer, even though you were never given the same love.

That is amazing.

Ruth said...

You know, Bruce's words "pain" and "elegance" really stuck with me in his comment at your last post "Pink." I'm thinking that the elegance of your writing makes all this a terrible beauty, and without that I honestly would not be able to bear it, even at a distance.

So, what do I need. What I need, apparently, not having known I needed it, but finding it here after you stopped by my place one day, is I need to lose my unknowing.

I hate it and love it, and that's a little something like how you feel about your father and mother.

Ruth said...

Oh, and this is the best validation of what I have felt, that women especially have found treasure in these blogging hills. To publish instantly what we experience! You can't write this on paper, but you can write here!! Ohh, that makes my heart glad.

svasti said...

You are so brave and strong. Despite what you are still dealing with, here you are, offering to others.

And you're right you know. Love is the thing that makes it worthwhile. Love for yourself, too, and not just others. We all need to love ourselves and other people just a little more...

I know the value of writing anonymously. In some cases, it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

And don't worry. I am affected. And I'm offering my nieces and any other kids I'm in contact with, as much love as I can. Because everyone should grow up feeling loved and cared for. If I ever have my own kids, they too, will know love and the right kind of affection.

Blessings to you!

sarah said...

"Love is what drives me to succeed in this; to excel at being whole." This statement really struck a cord in me. I feel the same....Stay strong. Sarah

Deborah said...

'Underneath the shards of pain, I love them. Not for what they did but rather for what they didn't.' This harrowing phrase not only demonstrates the trremendous responsibility we have as parents to honour the trust our children have in us, but also how readily it can be abused.
Another very eloquent post, Jennifer.

Josephine said...

That bold love, it's the best there is.

Shattered said...

Dear friends, I'm not ignoring anyone and I promise I will be responding to each one of you... it's just been a hell of a day today.

Shattered said...

Shadyrae, I am so glad that you can find some hope here. You are young and so much further ahead than I was at your age. Hang on to your hope and I can tell you that things will get better. It's certainly not easy but things can and do change.

Shattered said...

"So, what do I need. What I need, apparently, not having known I needed it, but finding it here after you stopped by my place one day, is I need to lose my unknowing.

I hate it and love it, and that's a little something like how you feel about your father and mother."

You are right, it is a little like what I feel for my parents. I am glad that you are able to lose your unknowing; I hope that those who read here are all able to do that to a degree.

Like yourself, I am also happy to have found blogging. It really is a unique means of communicating and sharing.

Shattered said...

"Love is the thing that makes it worthwhile. Love for yourself, too, and not just others. We all need to love ourselves and other people just a little more..."

You couldn't be more right. Love really does make life worthwhile. Now if I can just get the loving myself part figured out...

Thank you for sharing that you are affected. Your nieces and other kids you are around are very lucky indeed.

Shattered said...

Sarah, I am so glad to have found someone like yourself who is ahead of me in many ways but still shares some of my same feelings. Thank you for your encouragement.

Shattered said...

"This harrowing phrase not only demonstrates the trremendous responsibility we have as parents to honour the trust our children have in us, but also how readily it can be abused."

Deborah, it is an overwhelming responsibility some times isn't it?? Sometimes I think it is a blessing that I am so aware of the damage a parent can do... other times, I think it can be a paralyzing curse.

Shattered said...

Josephine, bold love is probably the most uncomfortable kind of love but it is this same love that has taught me the most about how to live...