Break

Break. Brake. Stop. I needed a break; needed to apply the emergency brake. I needed to stop. I don't know that I'm a person easily overwhelmed because I can truly say that I juggle many items/issues/people/jobs everyday. But sometimes I do get overwhelmed and it's ugly when that happens. It's something of a breakdown; or brakedown. Either way, life comes to a screeching halt.

I always resurface but I can't really say that I'm refreshed. I ran hard in the other direction but here I am, in the same place, still being forced to face all the voices that tell me that I'm not good enough, undeserving, ill-fitting...

Spring and Summer are hard for me. Beginning with Mother's Day, followed by my late sister's birthday, Father's Day and then my father's birthday; all reminders of what is missing, what has been lost.

I struggle with wanting to fix what is broken and cleaning up messes that I have no business even touching. In this process, I lose myself. I don't take care of myself and then, before I know it, the brake is being pulled and I am caught in some sort of mental purgatory. It is a tough place to be but it does motivate me to press forward because I sure as hell know that stopped is not where I want to be.

So, I'm back. I can't say that I'm new and improved but I am more determined to heal and become a version of myself that I can be proud of.