Friday, July 17, 2009


Break. Brake. Stop. I needed a break; needed to apply the emergency brake. I needed to stop. I don't know that I'm a person easily overwhelmed because I can truly say that I juggle many items/issues/people/jobs everyday. But sometimes I do get overwhelmed and it's ugly when that happens. It's something of a breakdown; or brakedown. Either way, life comes to a screeching halt.

I always resurface but I can't really say that I'm refreshed. I ran hard in the other direction but here I am, in the same place, still being forced to face all the voices that tell me that I'm not good enough, undeserving, ill-fitting...

Spring and Summer are hard for me. Beginning with Mother's Day, followed by my late sister's birthday, Father's Day and then my father's birthday; all reminders of what is missing, what has been lost.

I struggle with wanting to fix what is broken and cleaning up messes that I have no business even touching. In this process, I lose myself. I don't take care of myself and then, before I know it, the brake is being pulled and I am caught in some sort of mental purgatory. It is a tough place to be but it does motivate me to press forward because I sure as hell know that stopped is not where I want to be.

So, I'm back. I can't say that I'm new and improved but I am more determined to heal and become a version of myself that I can be proud of.


English Rider said...

When you're going through Hell, keep on going. If you're lucky you'll get to the other side before the Devil knows you're there. Much of my "wisdom" comes from country songs.
I knew that you would resurface one day. We missed you. You are a valuable member of this Human race. Just keep doing whatever you can, little by little. Pick small, achievable goals. Tell us about them so that we can join the applause. Try to look forward, not back.
Sincere warm thoughts to you, Linda

Shattered said...

Love your source of wisdom! Thank you... I missed my cyber friends too. Taking small steps is my new focus. I promise not to disappear again. :)