Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Male

I have been grappling with a handful of memories that are particularly troubling. The nature of my childhood in general is troubling but when I look to specific memories, I'm pained and confused. There were times that I was treated as a boy; as if abusing a girl was not enough. I was not enough as a female.

Is there something masculine about me? I already carry loads of guilt around feeling as if something in me or about me attracted the abuse. And now, for some reason, I feel doubly guilty.

As I relive these moments, I can feel they physical sensations. I suppose that might sound weird to some but this has always happened to me. I hate it. It is like watching a movie while acting in it at the same time. Many times, I can remember watching myself being hurt from the corner of the room where the wall meets the ceiling. I could float up and beyond the pain. It was happening to someone else; many times a boy so that could not possibly be me. But it was. It is. And now that I am grown, I face the task of reuiniting the memories with the body.

Did he prefer males? I know for certain that he preferred pain. He delighted in my pain and he delighted in making me who he wanted me to be. In that these memories still dominate my mind, I am still exactly who he wanted me to be. Fucked up.

I don't like carrying a diagnosis; I do not like the labels. But I do believe that he knew what he was doing. He created chaos in our home, in my life, and in my mind.

9 comments:

English Rider said...

Did he prefer males? What difference would that make? You will never receive rational answers to questions asked of the irrational. Don't set yourself up for failure. Please.

Stuff could always be worse said...

I am sorry to read you suffered so much but now you are physcically away from him. Glad to see you writing again.

Annie Coe said...

English rider is right. If you are to be happy and live a life of joy, one you so deserve, you must find a way to live in the now. The past is over, let go of the memories and the pain. I know it is hard, but speaking as one who has been sexually abused, it is the only way. You get to choose how your life goes from now on, choose a different story. A happy one.
Much love and many hugs. I know it is sometimes hard, but you can doit.xoxo

mtyler77 said...

I'm so terribly sorry that you experienced the pain and trauma you did--and I share that with you. We are both survivors--and try to remember that. You ARE a survivor--YOU WON, not him. That was so ultimately important for me to finally realize. And to throw off the blame that I carried around for so long. What a relief that was.

I give you my support and a big (((((hug))))). You will conquer.

Melinda

English Rider said...

Time for a new post. Missing you out here. Do you like the music of Missy Higgins? She is good and has lyrics that hint of experiences beyond her age.

English Rider said...

When you return, please drop by to collect your zombie chicken award.

Polly said...

Please write again. Writing can bring about a healing. I am sorry you are in such pain. Please know that Life is beautiful and the future can be whatever you wish it to be. Take back your power and begin to practice and develop inner peace and contmemtment. Joy soon follows. Take care and I look forward to reading another post next time I visit your blog. People care.

English Rider said...

We haven't given up on you.

Shattered said...

Thank you all for your kind encouragement. I'm back... just needed some downtime. I have missed writing so much; after writing my newest post, I realized just how much I missed it.