Sometimes the case of the letter makes all the difference. God or god. An important personal I or a misplaced letter i. Summer the girl or summer the season. The uppercase letter delineates between importance and the ordinary.
Perfectionism is a haunt of mine. It is a ghost that follows me and does not stop no matter what I'm doing. It kills a day in a blink. It turns anxiety inside/out. It takes away my care for something good; even the smallest of outcomes.
That is perfectionism in two simple words. If I cannot do it right then I refuse to do it at all. How dangerous is that? Or rather... how stupid is that?
I see my world in black and white. Absolutes. You are either right or wrong. Good or bad. Smart or stupid. I have a ridiculously logical brain. Logic is the glue that holds the shards of me together. Without this reason, I probably would have landed in the crazy house a long time ago. Logic is my reality. If I can reason it; it exists. If I cannot; it must not be.
And there is the problem. There is nothing logical about my past. Although it seems that abusers have a handbook; the logic chapter is always found to be ripped out, shredded, and burned. They left that part of it up to us to figure out; to understand their evil. That is what makes us crazy in the first place.
So the harder I try to understand; the crazier I get. Literally. I cannot reason what was done to me and so sets in denial. I can't understand it; I can't make it right. So fuck it.
The abundance of fuck its has really slowed me down. Nearly to a halt and I'm not just talking about my mental healing. This is my real life too. Housekeeping, taking care of myself, dieting, exercise, blah blah blah... you get the picture. If I can't do it right and perfect; then I won't do it at all.
All great thoughts to live by.
This thinking is not something easy to change. It is a deep part of who I am. It is also something that makes me feel normal. Normal exactly long enough until I realize that normal people don't do math and physics problems for fun. But I digress because my weirdness belongs in a whole other post.
I have steps to take. One at a time. Crying just one time worked for me. And then I did it again. Getting up early once led to me getting up early again AND working out. It doesn't have to be all or nothing and sometimes it's alright to be somewhere and in between. I don't have to be completely healed or entirely wounded.
I'm still crazy; even with the steps towards tears and feeling. But I have progress now because I have downgraded letters; even if it is just one. Now I'm just crazy.
crazy with a little "c"...
Hanging On No More
19 hours ago