Monday, January 11, 2010

Friend

What's that line... hello, darkness, my old friend...

My friend is making a raging comeback.  Yippee.

I do not know exactly what has brought this on but I am knocked down, sideways and can't get up depressed.  Those irritating Cymbalta commercials showing depressed people sucking at living?  That's me minus roaming around aimlessly in sweatpants because I don't wear sweatpants.

I just stay in my pajamas.

I don't have the luxury of sleeping the day away or even lying in bed with my eyes open praying that a spontaneous lobotomy will occur.  I have a kid, I have a job, I have judo, gymnastics, and swim team to attend, and I have a rather important (to me) husband who occasionally would like to see me out of pajamas and showered with a smile on my face.  It's a rough life these days.

The thing is, I do shower, smile and dress nicely.  It's my mind that is still wearing pajamas and perhaps that is where the conflict begins.  I am fucking exhausted and I honestly believe that there is not a soul on earth that understands where I am coming from.  Try as he may, my husband doesn't get it and he substitutes his confusion with anger.  I don't do anger so I just shut up and stay quiet.  I certainly am not talking to my daughter about this and I don't have any girlfriends to call up and bitch about my fucked up life.

So here I am.

I told my husband this morning that I am a really fucked up person and it is really hard to live.  His response was to yell at me that I'm not fucked up.  Right.  Everyone he meets hears voices, sees people who aren't there, and wishes they could carve the feeling part of their brain right out of their skull.  Right.  I'm definitely not fucked up.

Love him.

But seriously, I'm tired.  I walk a mental high wire, balancing with hate in one hand and sorrow in the other.  And then I crash with only my pretend friends to catch me.  The reality of my horrors catches up with me on occasion and now is one of those times.  I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely think.  The Shelter is screaming and I can't help those babies enough.  I am getting that familiar feeling that I am not the one made for this job.

What this boils down to is that I hate my parents.  I hate what they did and I hate what they allowed.  That hate is consuming me and I feel myself getting angry so I turn the hatred on myself.  It is easier to hate me.  It is safer.

Until I run out of room for cutting.

And I'm there; I have no more hidden skin available.  This is usually where I retreat deep inside but I'm not OK accepting that this time.  Problem is, I don't know where to go.

25 comments:

maggie said...

Sounds like you need some outside councel to help you through this. I encourage you to reach out to your doctor or councellor. Your writing seems to be a friend for you to let out feelings. What about calling a Crisis Line?
They may have suggestions for resources for you. Something different happening this time that you don't want to retreat? I get the feeling you want to heal. My heart goes out to you. Blessings

Deborah said...

Jennifer, my comment just might make you roll your eyes, but I'll say it anyway. You've mentioned before that you've been in therapy at one point - are you still? You shouldn't be without that kind of contact, it seems to me. Support groups? I know they're not on every street corner for your kind of troubles but surely they do exist.
Your husband needs to be part of that scenario too. No matter how much he loves you, he also needs to understand what is up with you.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear you say you don't have any girlfriends. We are a poor substitute here, admittedly, but we are here nonetheless. Just wait for the others to get here.

That you can get up, get dressed, go to work, and write when you are feeling like this is remarkable. I don't really know what it says about you, but I'm inclined to think it means you will get through this. (And I'm not playing down your distress, believe me.)

Warm hug...I'm thinking of you.

Shattered said...

Maggie, it's funny that you and Deborah both mentioned a counselor. I do have one that I see regularly; actually this evening. He reads here occasionally as well.

"Something different happening this time that you don't want to retreat? I get the feeling you want to heal."

You're right. I don't want to do the same things I have always done in the past.

Shattered said...

Deborah, yep I'm in therapy weekly. I have tried a few groups in the past but they have always gone badly. Too much pain in one room or something like that I suppose... As for my husband, we've done some counseling together and I know he would go again, I just don't know how much it really helps.

I guess it is a good sign that I can still function when I feel like this. I know you aren't downplaying it though. And when it comes to girlfriends, it's ok that I don't have any. I'm different and it just doesn't go well. I have tried and it just seems to blow up in my face. Some people are just meant to be alone, you know?

Kathryn said...

Hi J,
I'm here, for what it's worth. Total stranger/potential friend. Caring, imperfect, human being of the female persuasion. I'll read and listen.

Deborah said...

I don't think you're meant to be alone, but perhaps the usual approach (whatever the hell that is) to a friendship doesn't work well for you. In this space there is safety of a sort for everyone - for you to come and say anything you want, for us to surround you or retreat as we need to. I think the biggest difficulty I have is that I feel helpless to help you. And that could be an issue if I were a 'conventional' friend, but as things are, it's not at all.
Keep yourself oriented towards hope.

sarah said...

I understand that hate, taking that rage out on yourself with cutting and for me...with throwing up and shooting dope...that hatred drove me...almost killed me. I had to learn to let it go. Someone told me...the best revenge is living a great life. Well that was easier said than done until....
hang in there ok. It wasn't fair what happened to you....you deserve so much better...in your corner. Sarah

svasti said...

I think it's a good thing that you're expressing your anger and fear. There's nothing wrong with you for hating what was done to you by the people who should have been your caretakers. That is very, very normal.

You might hear voices and have a dark past but from your writing I sense your intelligence and your desire to move beyond all of this. It might be incredibly difficult but it is not impossible.

Keep doing what you're doing. And maybe over time you'll feel like you can tell your husband a little more of your story. It's his support you really need, but he can't support you unless he knows what's going on.

Definitely keep with the therapy and keep trying to be more honest. I know how hard it can be, and how easy it is to gloss over your feelings. The trick is that the more we keep to ourselves, the worse it gets.

You do so well reaching out here, I just hope you can do that in your real life, too. *hugs*

Journal of Healing said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fORAPkfVV_A


ang

Journal of Healing said...

Those of us that are in many pieces, like you and I, Shattered, often have trouble with friendships. It has been a long road for me to see I am not meant to be alone. I wish you hope as you come to this realization in your own journey. I am also at a place where I am wearing pjs on the inside but of course functioning on the outside. that is my role, you know. to function. but DAMN has it been a struggle lately. I get it...it is so much easier for i also to retreat into my inside world, but i am desperately trying to learn to not use it...or them...to escape...at least not this type of escape.
I have my moments where i can do support groups as well, but at any hint of them becoming dysfunctional, as they can easily become, I have to bail. I used to think that was failure, i now realize it is my attempt to not play a role anymore in a sick family dynamic. I try to keep myself open, tho, to reaching back out to the group if i need that setting and the group seems healthier.
my husband doesn't get it either some days. I think he is trying to sort it all right now...and though he does much better than he used to, he is not the first one i turn to with this type of pain...and i've learned that that is ok. at least for me.
I just shared a hell of a lot more than i expected to, but i think i was supposed to. So, if you caught all of my hints, you now know what i mean in my profile about being a puzzle. yep.

i just blogged about the idea of wearing pjs in my head but without using those words yesterday.

hugs, love, and understanding being wished your way...

ang

English Rider said...

Why don't we count as girlfriends you can bitch too? Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again. Sounds of Silence. You are not alone. It seems we care about you, whatever you tell us. We are still here. Even people who have never suffered abuse have husbands who don't understand them. Again, you are not alone.

Shattered said...

Kathryn, I'm glad you are here. Thank you. :)

Shattered said...

Deborah, perhaps not alone but maybe I just haven't met someone who matches my quirks with quirks of their own. I don't know... I have always had somewhat better friendships with men but that doesn't fly now that I'm married.

Shattered said...

"Someone told me...the best revenge is living a great life. Well that was easier said than done until...."

That is a great way to think about it. That really is true; my parents always hated that I was (appeared) successful. I guess it got under their skin that I managed to live somewhat happy.

Shattered said...

Svasti, it helps to hear that some of this is normal. I know that it would help to have my husband's support and I guess I do to a small extent. He just gets very uncomfortable but that's really not something I have control over. I will keep trying to talk to him when it feels safe.

English Rider said...

As usual when I try to get a musical clue, I miss the mark. I think it is from I am an Island, not Silence? "I am a Rock. I am an Island. And a Rock feels no pain, and an Island never cries. A good anthem I almost posted myself a few weeks ago.

Shattered said...

ang, I get what you mean about being a puzzle. I'm right there with you... I'm glad I'm not the only one who found group therapy to be dysfunctional. I thought I was the problem LOL.

What stops you from retreating? This is one of the first times that I have actually fought it and it is tiring. It's hard being the one out and dealing with all the feelings and such. I guess that's the reason for wearing pajamas on your brain... ;)

I'm glad you are here and I am glad that you shared some of yourself; it helps me knowing that I'm not the only one. Thank you.

Shattered said...

ER, you are right, there really isn't a reason that I can't count you all as friends to bitch to. Yeah, you aren't face to face with me but you all are a lot more real than the people in my head. So that's progress, right?

The people here really are very caring and I am blessed to have this. I have taken steps here that I never thought I would and a great deal of that has to do with the acceptance I have found here. Thank you for that.

Shattered said...

"As usual when I try to get a musical clue, I miss the mark. I think it is from I am an Island, not Silence?"

Hahaha... you got it right the first time. So no, you didn't miss the mark. :)

Journal of Healing said...

i am glad i shared some of myself too. It has me itching to see what you post because i know that we have some commonalities and that you are on a road that will lead to wholeness like me. whatever wholeness will look like to you.
What keeps me from retreating. Hm...well, I have found not fighting where I am is very healing. sometimes i need to sit and stare (blogged about that earlier this week). Sometiems i need to curl in a ball, inside or outside, and i look for times when i can do that--late at night, breaks, etc. sometimes i need a good hug from an insider, and that's what i need, so i accept that, and do it.
I also try to remember my role. my job truly is to function, to keep the plates spinning. I use my inside help...and safe outsiders that i do have, to help me determine when lettign a plate fall is ok. I also have a system set up to filter memories to me only when it will not impair my functioning too much. I don't know if that makes sense. Wow. I admit that it is surprising to me that i am sharing so much.
I also found alot of help at mosaicminds. it is an online community for people with DID. there are places for everyone to post, and i actually made a close friend..or "friends" out of it. they, my friend, are very supportive and bring sanity to our world when it feels like no one gets us. Mosaic is pretty amazing.
Anyway, i hope that helps. thanks for asking. you have given me alot of input without meaning to...ive read your posts...all of them...and even gone back to a few a few times.
well, hang tight and know you do have outside support now. cyber, yes, but still strong.
hugs and hopes your way.

ang

Shattered said...

Not fighting where I am is a good idea. I don't want to get stuck but I don't want to flail about either. I am going to have to get better at taking care of myself. I don't take the time to curl into even a mental ball, I just keep going while stuffing feelings and telling everyone to shut up.

"I also have a system set up to filter memories to me only when it will not impair my functioning too much. I don't know if that makes sense. Wow. I admit that it is surprising to me that i am sharing so much."

That does make sense and I need to make better use of what I have as well. Thank you for sharing and reminding me of this.

I will take a look at that site as well. Thank you. :)

Journal of Healing said...

You are very welcome. Thank you for being so willing to be so dang honest on your blog...it makes all of my heart happy to this transparency.
I tell ya, that "filter system" i have that works for me keeps safety at the forefront of my life. It gives insiders a place to go also when they need to process a memory without it paralyzing the outside body. I can't say enough about that safety. And, haha, neither can my therapist. You are doing awesome! you are still fighting. Keep it going.
And...you are so welcome. I welcome any insight or wisdom you may have as well...an in fact i went back and red through alot of my posts after you commented calling me amazing. I can't see that, so i read looking for how that would appear that way. So, whether or not you believe it about yourself when I say you are awesome is ok. Maybe you can believe a true outsider.
Anyway. enough for now! Dang, wrote a BOOK! wow. later, new friend.

ang

The Pliers said...

Jesus H. Christ!

What a breakthrough, at least here, in writing. It's about fucking time you hated those two human beings. They did enough to be hated for for eternity. Once you hate them enough, you won't be stuck at hating them forever. You may hate them forever, but you won't be stuck there. You'll be able to move forward rather then be imprisoned by the hate. Hate, in this case, in my very humble (;>D) opinion is quite good. A real step up!

I've been out and about in the world and left my laptop behind so I'll be catching up soon. And I figure that I'm a girlfriend that can be bitched to. If I think you're full of shit, I'll do the good girlfriendly thing and let you know. So, just keep writing and turning up the old shit so it can get some of the stink off of it.

Amitiés,

Shattered said...

The Pliers! I missed you here.

"Once you hate them enough, you won't be stuck at hating them forever. You may hate them forever, but you won't be stuck there. You'll be able to move forward rather then be imprisoned by the hate."

I want you to be right about this! I think one of my biggest fears is getting stuck in a feeling, a bad one, that I can't get out of. BTW, I have since fine-tuned the feeling... I don't hate them, I hate what they did. I hope this is the moving forward part that you are talking about.

Thank you for letting me bitch at you. I know, more than most that you will always let me know if I'm full so shit. ;)

I'm looking forward to reading about your trip...

Betty Bishop said...

As part of my exercise routine I sometimes do a bit of boxing. You know - a right to the jaw - a left to the eardrum - hey! A beautiful upper cut! Then I broke your nose, looks good on ya - watch out, here comes my knee.....

They too are all dead so it is really a harmless exercise isn't it?

Take care of yourself and those you love,
Betty