So today is a new day and I'm trying again. I must sound like a wreck because when readers start asking me if I have a therapist, it's then that I realize how bad I sound. And for my newer readers, yes, I do have a therapist who I have been seeing for quite some time. At least once a week.
Reading over my post from yesterday, I did sound depressed and I was. I still am. And once again I am at the point of retreating to the hills of my head or sticking with the present. I am learning that this is a choice. It is a hard choice too.
But in making that choice I am learning a lot about myself. I don't do stress. I don't do pain. "Flat" was the word that kept coming up in therapy yesterday evening. I've given it a lot of thought between then and now because I argued last night that flat was easier than feeling.
I was wrong.
Flat really is hard. Exhausting. And I think I create a lot more stress and pain, the very things I try to avoid, for myself in trying to be flat. I really thought that this was how people wanted me to be. However, as I look at my emotional responses to others, I can see that my flat response was the last thing they needed or even wanted.
I do not know how to change this overnight. Flat used to my safe. If I showed no emotion, the chances of being hit a lot or worse went down. Flat let me mirror the emotions around me and let me remain invisible. I focused on other's feelings instead of my own. I thought this was safe. But in doing so I added layer upon layer on my own pain which seems to fester into depression.
I have one assignment for the next week. Cry. And cry some more. When I am in the car I am supposed to cry. That is a long way from flat and I am scared. What if people don't like my emotions? My trademarks are levelheaded, calm, logical, a rock... all a nice version of flat.
My next step: call my shrink and tell her that I don't have any of my meds nor have I been taking them because "someone" threw them away. I've been too embarrassed to make that call but I need to. I also need to do some housekeeping in here and figure out "who" threw them out. And after that...
Cry some more.
“Shall I Crucify Your King?” #UNITE Linky
22 hours ago