Status

Just like everyone else, I am glancing backwards at 2010.  Good year.  Bad year.  Something in between...

My father is dead.
I told some secrets.
I made some quilts.
I was promoted.
I learned a lot.
I cried some more.
I made a friend.
I returned to church.
I integrated broken pieces.
I am alive.

Crash

For once, I have normal drama in my life. 

I was heading to my therapy appointment this week and all was well.  I wasn't running late.  Traffic wasn't seeming to be too bad.  Green lights were coming one after another.  And then someone ran a red light.

Crash.  Right into the rear door on my side of the car.  The airbags deployed and I'm pretty sure that scared me more than the initial impact.  Thank goodness my daughter wasn't in the car with me.

The guy who hit me got out of his car and tried to run.  That didn't work out so well for him since there was a policeman sitting in the parking lot right by the intersection.  No insurance.  Not here legally.  Outstanding warrants.  All reasons to run in his opinion.  Part of me almost, and I mean almost, feels badly for him. 

However, I won't be saying that to my husband again because he came un-glued when he heard me say that.  That conversation was over the phone because he, of course,  was out of town when this happened.  And then I casually mentioned that I was driving his car because mine was low on gas that day.  More un-gluing.

I spent yesterday in bed; physically and mentally jarred.  I'm sore and achy but I'm ok.  I'm thankful.  I'm happy to be alive.  And while that may sound small to most; the thrill of living has not been a constant friend in my life.

For me, as of late, it has been about perspective.  Yes things have been highly fucked up in the past.  And yes, life still has its shitty moments.  But with a measure of perspective, living my current life isn't all that bad.

Always

Ten Things I Will Always Tell my Daughter:

1. You make my life complete.
2. I have learned more from you than I will ever teach you.
3. It's not where you come from but rather the person that you become.
4. Some of my fondest memories are those from when it was just you and me.
5. "I love you"
6. How beautiful you are.  Inside and out.
7. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.
8. The truth of who you are... kind, loving, smart, funny... even when you can't see it or believe it.
9. Don't be too serious.  Enjoy being a kid and always reserve a tiny corner of your heart that never grows old.
10. Happy Birthday.  I am so glad you were born!

Today is my daughter's 6th birthday.  She loves her birthday and she loves Christmas.  She says that December is the best month of her life. 

This year she asked for "a private birthday party with her parents".

And a Nintendo DS.

She got both and then some...

Happy Birthday, sweet girl!

P.S.  I know that you won't always want a private party with us and that is OK.  Thank you for letting us be cool for however long that it lasts... 

Thankful

Four years, 18 days ago my sister shot and killed herself. 

Four years, 22 days ago my mother overdosed. 

Four years ago I stopped sleeping with my father stopped raping me.

Nearly four years ago my father fled and I haven't seen him since.

Four years ago my daughter was almost two and I barely knew how to be a mother.

Four years ago today I met my my husband.

What an amazing four years these past four have been.  I have gone from being virtually alone to now where I have a family; a small one but still a family in every way.

As I am writing this, I am looking out our study window and I can see my daughter riding her bike with friends and my husband hanging Christmas lights, something he has been doing since this past Sunday.  Yes, he is that guy.  If you had told me four years ago that this is where I would be today, I would have probably told you to fuck off and I definitely would have laughed at you.

Four years ago was pretty much my rock bottom.  Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse; they got better.  Quite literally as I lost my family, I met my husband.  The most toxic people in my life were gone and I met one of the healthiest people that I know.  Looking back, that was no coincidence because had I still been surrounded by my family, there is no way I would have ever allowed my husband into my world.

I have much, very much, to be thankful for.  My husband is perfect for me.  My daughter is thriving.  It's a risky thought but it is very possible that I am thriving too.  Things aren't perfect and yes, I still struggle but things are so much better than four years ago.  I have a family to love and I have a family that loves me.  I have a home, not just a house, and we are raising our daughter with the example I always dreamed of for myself. 

My daughter made this toilet paper wedding cake today for no particular reason and it struck me as funny that she knew what a married couple looks like.  Had I made that cake when I was her age, God knows how I would have depicted a married couple; perhaps with punches being thrown and broken glass topping the cake.  It made me smile to see her model a healthy family.  Something... lots of things... are finally going right. 

We are indeed a healthy family and I am immensely thankful for that.

P.S.  I love how creative my daughter is; she came up with this all by herself!