Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tears

Dear Tears,

How very sorry I am for what you have lived with.  You and I have not spent much time together.  I avoid you because I despise crying.  You avoid me because we are not supposed to cry.

So other than objectives, we have not known much about one another.  Sure, I've squeezed out a few tears here and there; but a sob?  Not really.  And those times that I have needed to cry, you stood by and fought a deluge at much cost to yourself.

Over the past few days I have cried.  And when I say cry, I mean real and bitter tears.  Tears stockpiled over years of pain.  Tears we both did not believe to exist.  As this happened I watched you through my blurry eyes, shaking in a corner.  You were waiting for him and he did not come.  We were both surprised.

No one hit us until we stopped crying.  No one fucked us until there were no more tears to cry.  Not once was the blood running faster than the tears.  In fact, there was no blood at all. 

Each tear, it did hurt.  Like crying razor blades.  But it was a healing kind of hurt.  To borrow a thought... it hurts a lot less to rip a band-aid off quickly than slowly.  Or not at all.  So I sit in my car and cry while I peel the neglected, crusty bandages of abuse away.  I do this while I worry about keeping you safe.  It's a role reversal of sorts.

Watching you with intent, I see that you are small.  You are a skinny boy younger than my own daughter.  She's six.  And now I am not seeing you through the haze of my own pain.   Without the need to dodge his fists, I see that you have glasses and blonde hair.  Your glasses are broken and behind the cracks you have no eyes.  No eyes that cry no tears.

No wonder. 

I can cry your tears now.  And it's OK if you never shed one of your own; that is not your job.   It's mine now and you know, tears are not that bad.

And neither are you.  So go and rest.

Your friend,

Shattered

22 comments:

Journal of Healing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Journal of Healing said...

Congrats! Hope and safety. What gifts. I cried a few when I read this. Good for me though...I needed to let a few out.

ang

The Pliers said...

I would love to receive such a letter. I bet he sleeps better tonight.

Oddly enough today was also for me about tears I refused to shed out of pronounced anger. I'll see what I can do about mine, too.

Amitiés,

English Rider said...

Cleansing Tears and comfort hard won.

Deborah said...

This is wonderful, Jennifer. So good.

Peace and love to you.

Shattered said...

Ang, I'm glad you were able to cry too.

Shattered said...

The Pliers,

It's funny, I didn't think about it until you said you would like to receive such a letter... I agreed with you, and then I realized that I did receive such a letter. Tears IS me. Perhaps I have less of a grasp on reality but I often fail to make the connection that we are all me. Sounds strange, I know.

Anyways, I hope you work on your own tears. I know for sure that stuffing tears only makes you miserable. Take care... :)

Shattered said...

ER, I am surprised; actually shocked at how clensing they feel. I had no idea.

Shattered said...

Deborah, thank you. Thank you for reading as well as your encouragement. :)

Zan said...

Even though there's a lot of pain behind those tears, this is such a great post. You can almost feel that weight being lifted.
I'm glad you could cry.
Hugs

Shattered said...

Zan, it does feel like a weight was lifted. The heaviness comes back but it gets a little better each time. Thank you for reading.

Ruth said...

I don't know much about therapy, or this process. But I can feel that crying must be a progressive step, a victory of some kind. A cleansing, as you said.

During the crying time of grief, I feel terrible, miserable, like I will never get past it, never feel better. I wonder if the crying accomplishes something, or when I have in fact moved past the intense grief, it's just that I don't need the tears any more. Are they a symptom or a part of the cure?

I'm guessing both.

Shattered said...

Ruth, I think 'both' is a great answer. They certainly are a symptom and I can't say it enough, I was amazed at how much better I felt afterwards.

You are right, this is a victory for me. Crying has not been a normal occurance for me. A lot of trust, release of fear, etc went into this finally happening for me.

Phoebe Miriah Kirby said...

My best friend needs to read your blog. She is an abuse survivor, and only 19... She was with a horrible, horrible man..

I think a blog as therapy is INCREDIBLE. It's a brilliant idea.
I'm glad we found each other. :)

Shattered said...

Phoebe, I hope that your friend will read here or find help somewhere. She is so young... how sad.

Thank you for the compliment; I have enjoyed writing here very much and it has been a good part of my therapeutic process. :)

California Girl said...

you put your pain out for all to feel and it is hard reading and must-reading. i am amazed at your courage. i don't know if i would be as strong to actually put it in writing and let others read it. definitely healing and i hope you are healing. whew!

Shattered said...

California Girl, you just never know until you are actually in the situation how you will be. If you had told me a year ago that I would be writing my secrets on a blog for anyone to read, I would have laughed at you. I don't know if it was much strong as it was out of necessity that I started writing. I got to the point where I had to get this stuff out somehow.

Anyways...

Thank you for reading and your encouragement. :)

Melinda said...

Jennifer, you have come a long way--and this is so obvious in this post. Tears are so important--they are important for cleansing, healing, and changing--and this is necessary for evolving as human beings. I used to never cry (again, I was like you) but I learned to embrace all my emotions--both the happy and sad ones and allow myself to let the pain cut through me like a knife and shed the tears I needed. It was only then that true healing began.

Congratulations again, my friend--you have come far and inspire many.

Melinda

Friko said...

Dear Jennifer,

I missed this post; I am glad I clicked through my blog list and found it.
It has moved me more than some of your horrific memories. Dare I hope that there is a thaw which will let you forgive yourself?

Shattered said...

Melinda, it is nice to know that I am on the right track and this is indeed part of the healing process. Thank you for your continued encouragement.

Shattered said...

Friko, I'm sorry you missed it. I've been posting a lot lately; it seems I have had a lot to say. ;)

I do hope I am finally thawing out. I guess time and progress will ultimately tell...

Diane said...

Phoebe, I hope that your friend will read here or find help somewhere. She is so young... how sad. Thank you for the compliment; I have enjoyed writing here very much and it has been a good part of my therapeutic process. :)