Friday, January 29, 2010

Smile

My chest is pounding quick and frantic lumps.  I hear the feet crush the padding of the carpet.  It is only a whisper but I feel those steps ring inside my ears.  I bury further under my thin and naked sheet in hopes that I will turn invisible before the feet reach my room.

I squish my eyes until I see colors blur behind my eyelids.  I love this trick because it makes the darkness not so scary.  My door opens and then shuts and a shadowed figure moves towards my too small bed.  If my bed was bigger I think I could get away. 

A cold and metal finger presses against my tiny, trembling lips.  This finger has a jagged edge and as it presses further I feel a pop from my lip and a taste of metallic blood.  Shhhhh... is what this finger says without a sound or word.  I simply know.

My only screams tonight will echo inside the halls of my head.  Echoing because no one hears them.  My screams bounce and rattle around, desperate and lonely.

His other hand roams around and past my naked sheet.  There is nothing to hide behind.  Up one leg and rubbing down the other he moves deliberately and with purpose.  His breathing is quick and matches my own fearful panting.  With one knee he pins one small leg.  And with the other he has now widened my fearful body into a grown-up X.

One sweaty hand.  One jagged, steely cold finger. 

Don't move an muscle... don't you make a sound... you are too small... going to make you bigger, little girl. 

The sharp and jagged finger is cold against my anxious skin.  Skin is popping.  Widening pain. And my terror is stretched further than ever before.  Jasmin slips in front and I fade into James' hurting arms.  He is heavy upon me and he smiles a strange and upside down smile.  

I will never forget that hateful smile.  And I will never see him again.  He is dead.

For sure.

26 comments:

Journal of Healing said...

For sure? For sure. Wow. To party, or not to party. To cry or not to cry. To cry at our party or not. You have choices. So many that it hopefully will be freeing. So thankful you had James and Jasmin and all your others. I couldn't have survived without mine either. I am so sad for Jasmin. I am so sad for you. I am sorry he did not choose to love all of you. He made bad choices, didn't he? fuck him and his memory because of that.

hugs if you want them...but definitely understanding and empathy.

Mike Golch said...

wow.Hugs.

Grace said...

I can feel the pain and fear coming from your words. I'm so sorry for your pain

English Rider said...

Permit us to be your anchor of sanity and love. Feel the weight of our wishes for all that is good and all that will bring you back to safety and warmth. Let it take as long as it must take but do not try to go alone. You are not alone.

JeannetteLS said...

"He is dead." And you are here. You are so very strong. Thank you for writing this doesn't seem adequate. I wish you had not had to endure that, but your writing it for us? I hope it helps you--it helps far more people than you will ever know. May WE be of help to you in this. Please take care. Please know your own value--trust it, even when you don't know it. We'll all remind you.

Deborah said...

English Rider said it all most eloquently. And I would add that we are here to be the non-judgmental repository of your thoughts, memories and anguish.

Peace, Jennifer.

Just Be Real said...

Shattered, I hear you! ((((Shattered))))

sarah said...

I don't want to call you shattered. I want to call you brave...strong....alive. It hurts to read what you wrote. It hurts to know you had to go through that. It tears at my own memories. Stay strong ok.

Friko said...

O, you poor, dear. brave, little girl.
At least that part is over.
I too want to join with English Rider and be there for you, absorbing your pain; we will help you if you let us.

At least that part is over.
You are free to begin healing.

Rising Rainbow said...

I'm glad that he's dead. And I'm glad that you are healing from what he did to you.

Rhonda said...

How I wish I could just reach out and hug you right now sweety. You have shattered your silence and now you can break free and heal. HUGS!!!!!

Andrea said...

Hope you don't mind. I added a link to your blog on arise 2 write.
andrea

Shattered said...

Ang, I still don't know what to do. I'm all over the place with my emotions. Sometimes I'm free and other times I feel imprisioned.

Shattered said...

Mike, thank you.

Shattered said...

Grace, thank you. I do hope that the pain lessens over time.

Shattered said...

"Permit us to be your anchor of sanity and love. Feel the weight of our wishes for all that is good and all that will bring you back to safety and warmth. Let it take as long as it must take but do not try to go alone. You are not alone."

ER, thank you. I am trying very hard not to withdraw.

Shattered said...

Jeannette, thank you. No, I don't trust my own value right now but it helps to write and share here. Thank you for reading.

Shattered said...

Deborah, peace... that is what I think I need the most of right now.

Shattered said...

Just Be Real, thank you for reading.

Shattered said...

Sarah, I don't know about brave and strong but you are right, I am alive and that has to mean something, right? Thank you for your encouragement.

Shattered said...

"I too want to join with English Rider and be there for you, absorbing your pain; we will help you if you let us."

Friko, thank you so very much.

Shattered said...

Rising Rainbow, I think I am glad too...

Shattered said...

Rhonda, thank you...

Shattered said...

Andrea, I don't mind at all. :)

Ruth said...

He is dead.

It sits there. Leaden.

How I would love to celebrate it with you, if you could celebrate it.

This is what I look forward to: the day that for a few moments, minutes, or a couple of hours, you celebrate some bit of healing, something you can face that you couldn't before. That day is coming.

Shattered said...

Ruth, I look forward to that day every single morning I wake up and hope that today is the day.