I am learning there were two versions of truth.
And then the truth.
Forgive me because none of this is black or white. Nothing is as it seems and this is so fucking confusing. Ever since I received this news I have had an overwhelming sense of guilt. Shame. In little kid terms... badness.
Small voices repeat... bad people get killed... he was bad... he was our dad... so we are bad... over and over and over. These are anxious words wrapped with fear. Fear that we are next. An irrational fear yet a real anxiety.
How could I be good yet come from them? I get that they were bad. Exceptionally bad. So how did I get here when badness raised me?
Bad little kids don't have parents... If you tell then you will get taken away... And then you won't have parents... Because you were bad.
And now we have no parents.
Quite honestly, I am lost. I pace the floors all night. My chest is full with pounding butterflies. I stare at the food on each plate. A cold sweat overcomes me with each police car I see. My mind wanders through each day waiting for that phone call. The call that makes this all official and I wonder how it will go. I wonder how I will react. And what I fear the most is that I will have no reaction whatsoever.
And in that lack of reaction, my badness will commence.
“Shall I Crucify Your King?” #UNITE Linky
22 hours ago