Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Hope doesn't always float.  Sometimes it drowns you instead.  I feel like shit.  The fuck-I-woke-up-again kind of shit feeling.

I despise people who throw these kinds of feelings around like they are nothing.  I grew up with a mother who threatened to kill herself at least once a week and it sucked.  And then my sister actually did.  And then my mother did too.  And all that really sucked.  So I don't write these things without carefully considering how I really feel.

But with all that being said, because I know how bad it hurts to remain on the living end, I feel stuck with no options.  And little hope.  What if this is all there is for me?  This vacillating between flat and the place I'm in now.  It hurts almost as deeply as the shit done to me that got me here in the first place.

When I wake up and it's disappointing, I know I'm not on the right track.  But when I wake up, take my daughter to school while thinking the whole time how everyone would be better off without me; that's when I know there is no faking my way out of this pit.

This morning I left for work without even drying my hair; I didn't feel safe alone and that scared the shit out of me.  All of my typical reasons for not hurting myself were not working and that's when I knew I had to say something.

I called my husband and made the other appropriate phone calls.  I promised to be safe.  And because I keep my promises I will do just that: be safe.

But what will "safe" cost me?  More disappointment... even more pain... devastated hope... an ever deepening loathe of my brokenness?  Or the worst; revealing just how weak I really am?  I hate this and how unjust it feels.  If someone lives through abuse isn't that enough?  That is the cruelest joke.

I'm so scared that this is as good as it gets.  I can tell myself to keep going.  To keep fighting.  To hope.  But I also have this nagging feeling that the joke is ultimately on me and I suddenly find myself very, very tired.  Sometimes all the self pep talks in the world aren't enough to make this spinning descent stop.

Just a huge joke that stupid, miserable people hold on to in an attempt to feel better.  What if that's all hope is?

What then?


Deborah said...

It doesn't matter if hope actually represents the possibility of a changed reality; it is oxygen for your psyche. And you can't be certain it's useless without sticking around to see.

Stay safe. I'm relieved that you recognize when you need help, and that you do reach out for it. If you can stay in touch, please, please do.

Shattered said...

True... sticking around is the only way to be certain about this hope thing.

I'll keep writing here because it does help. Thanks for listening.