Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I am making a concerted effort to look for the good in my life and embrace it rather than dreading when that good will come to an end. Pain has been such a staple in my life that sometimes I actually feel more comfortable in pain than I do in celebrating the good. I am much like the career prisoners who cannot thrive in society once they are released from prison so they quickly break the law so they can return to their home and their comfort zone which is behind bars. I seek the pain in my and live behind those bars because my comfort zone is surviving rather than thriving. If I can't find that pain then I self-destruct.

I remember when I was a new mother. I was terrified but bolstered by that fear so I set my mind to my and my daughter's survival. I did the same in my first marriage; I survived the abuse of my ex-husband and never looked further than just existing. I survived my childhood which was an accomplishment. I did thrive in some areas but that was simply how I coped and sought approval. I have never really looked past surviving and I am missing out on a lot.

I have good in my life and instead of being terrified of losing it, I am going to embrace it while I can. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. Yes, loss will come but how much more painful will that loss be if I never enjoyed the time I had? And honestly, I am stealing from my family by simply surviving instead of giving all of myself to them.

Now, I know that I cannot ignore my past and the memories either but I am beginning to realize that facing those things will be a little easier if I have a buoy of good to hang on to when things get rough. There is more pain to come but there is even more good, I just have to look for it.


Anonymous said...

This is a very good post. Its great that you can take that step, admitting its okay to have and enjoy the good things in your life.

Oh, and welcome to the world of blogging, and thank you for making contact. You'll find over time, there are many wonderful people out there in the blogosphere who've been through similar experiences.

And for those whose experiences are different but still traumatic in other ways, they get it too.

They are all here to support you. I reccomemend searching the links in my blog roll for other blogs that you might resonate with.

Take care, and please keep writing. :)

Stuff could always be worse said...

I am happy you are going to embrace life and look for the good. You are a very good writer. So keep writing.

Shattered said...

Svasti, thank you for your welcome and kind words. Just writing here the past week has been very helpful for me. I used to keep a journal but everytime I turned around, it seemed that someone in my house was reading it.

Blogging seems to work better for me as it is as anonymous as I wish it to be. In addition, I have had the unexpected surprise of the dialogue that I have had with others here.

I will keep writing and I will continue to look for the good in my life.