Monday, March 23, 2009


Sometimes you find love in unexpected places, people, and times. To say that I'm suffering from low self-esteem would be an understatement. I constantly find all the things that are wrong with me and use those liabilities to stack the walls even higher around me.

This afternoon, I was sitting at my desk at work making phone calls to new and prospective clients. This is a large part of my day; I make close to sixty of these phone calls a day. I mostly answer the common new account questions, explain how to transfer an account, or buy a stock. I knew I had gotten a hold of an interesting client when right off the bat he told me that he invested based upon how God told him to invest. That philosophy is far from the typical responses I get. When he said "God" I immediately felt my stomach lurch. I am a recovering Christian. I had God and religion used against me in the most twisted ways as a child and even an adult. On top of that, I have a serious beef with God and why He allows such suffering as child abuse, sickness, and all the other evil this world contains.

This 75 year old man proceeded to tell me, in the most compassionate and non-judgemental way, that God loves me so much... that He loves all of us so much and that all He wants is for us to love Him back and live our lives in such a way that reflects His love. He went on to tell me that my phone call to him was no accident and how glad he was that I called him so he could share with me what he felt I needed to hear. I tried hard to bristle and convince myself that the phone call was nothing more than me just doing my job. But the harder I tried, the bigger the lump in my throat grew. Now, I need to mention here that I do not cry and I will do anything and everything to avoid it.

So there I am, sitting in my office with tears in my eyes, thanking this man for taking the time to talk to me. It was a simple human gesture that he made, taking a chance that I might not care to hear what he had to say. What he shared with me is really what every person needs to hear at some point, and that is that they are loved. Now, I realize that not everyone is "religious" in this sense but I do know that we all have an innate desire to be loved. Today was my day to hear it from a complete stranger on behalf of a God who I frequently express my displeasure and disappointment in. I can't say that I fully feel "loved" by God... yet... but I can say that today I felt more loved than I have in awhile all because a complete stranger took the time and the risk to simply affirm me as a person despite my unknown flaws to him.


Anonymous said...

I do believe in God, but not the Christian/Catholic or Muslim versions, where he's a dude in a chair, controlling all events that occur in the world and passing judgement... deciding who gets 'in' to the 'club' and who doesn't.

My feeling is that all of these man-made feelings, ideas and overlays on the Divine Conciousness that we're all a part of, is just that. Man-mad ideas.

But yeah, I truly believe there is a Supreme Creative Spark or whatever you want to call it. The Universe. Ma. Shiva. Shakti. Kali. God.

They are all expressions of the same thing, interpreted by man over time and overlaid with rules of society and how that society would like to interpret God.

So no, I don't believe God 'allows' bad things to happen. I think that humans, with our free-will have the ability to act in whatever way we see fit.

It is heart-breaking when people then try to use religion (read: man's interpretation of God, not what God actually is), to control, hurt or abuse other people. Its sickening.

Unfortunately, there are many people out there who's own lives are twisted and painful. Perhaps its because of their own experiences at the hands of others, although that should never be an excuse.

I am very glad this man took the time to share some love with you. That's actually how it should be - as people, we should be offering love and care to each other. Not pain and suffering.

Like Melinda (who I can see is also commenting here), I offer you a very large virutal hug. And I hope you continue on your journey of recovery. Because you can get there, with persistence. :)

Stuff could always be worse said...

When you seek after God, he will find you. I want to give you a hug like that phone call did. You are an excellent writer. Keep on trying.

Shattered said...

It's amazing how much that phone call has continued to affect me. I am being nicer to people I encounter. Not that I was a complete bitch before... but instead of minding my own business and doing my best to keep people away from me, I am smiling at people that I encounter because I can never know if a smile or a friendly gesture will be exactly what they need on that particular day.

As for God and me, well that's something I am willing to work on. I'm angry at Him and I need to sort that out...

Deborah said...

When I was a kid in church, I never understood what was meant by the phrase 'God is Love'. About two decades later, after getting a Christmas card from a friend who signed himself, 'Love, David' I got it. I had always been taught that the word 'love' should be reserved for the most intense and strongest of attachments, but after getting that card I realized that love existed in many different forms.

I don't believe in God as a being, and I don't think religion has done the world much good, but I think that the connection between human beings when they care for each other, even very briefly, is a form of love. And that that's what God Not a being, but a feeling. Like the guy who talked to you on the phone. Like the old person waiting hesitantly to cross the street who you offer your arm to. Like the complicity between people who understand each other, even if they're not lovers, siblings or close friends.

Like the communication between you and the people who listen to you.

Shattered said...

Deborah, thank you for re-visiting this post with me. Even as I read it again today, tears spring up in my eyes. I still struggle with a typical concept of God and love but you are right, there is a love shared between humans, even those who are practically strangers, when we bear each other's burdens.

Deborah said...

I wish there were a non-religious expression that was the equivalent of God bless you...maybe namaste says it best.