Tuesday, September 6, 2011


You know.  It's the feeling that you get right after Christmas.  All that work and then it's all over in a matter of hours and you wonder why the hell you worked so hard in the first place.

I spent the long weekend with overwhelming times of letdown.  Not all the time because that's dumb.  But some of the time when I had a moment to think and reflect; my letdown was laughing at me. 

I've worked really hard in the past month or so.  I've cleaned out mental closets.  I've faced some huge fears.  I've unpacked long overdue boxes.  I have said some very difficult goodbyes.  I have even been good, for the most part, about taking my meds.

After all that I thought I would feel better.  Even happy.  I looked forward to this long weekend.  I kept telling myself keep going, it will be so nice to have a happy and peaceful weekend.

It wasn't a terrible time.  I had the tiniest moments of happiness.  But it certainly was not what I expected.  What a letdown.  That's when disappointment set in like a black cloud.

That black cloud?  A close neighbor to my standard issued rain cloud of depression.  Mix in some thundering anxiety and some lightening strikes of pain and I have the perfect storm of mental illness once again.

I waffle between stupidity and embarassment.  How stupid of me to expect happiness.  Embarassment over that expectation of more than a passing relief.

It's hard to not be disappointed.  Why the fuck would I work so hard while expecting some relief?  I have very little to show for that work and that borders on pathetic.  I guess it's time to lower my expectations before I get hurt again.


Deborah said...

It's not stupid to want happiness - and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You work hard because without that, happiness hasn't got a chance. Keep going. There will be longer moments, I'm absolutely sure.

Shattered said...

It all goes back to what I feel like I do or do not deserve. Happiness has always appeared to be a luxury; not the norm. Thank you for your reassurance that there is happiness out there.

This Mom's Heart said...

One of my best friends had a childhood much like yours, and is now an adoptive mom to a (previously foster) daughter with severe emotional and behavior problems. She has a blog called homeheartandhaven.wordpress.com that is about her journey to healing and wholeness. There IS hope, there IS healing. I think that you guys could really minister to one another. I don't know you, but I imagine you will be on my heart for some time!

Shattered said...

Thank you so much for her blog link and your encouragement. Hope and healing... what I have and what I so desperately want.