Friday, March 13, 2009


Food and eating have been continual struggles for me. As a child, I was punished by withholding food. At times I would cook a dinner for the family to help my mother out but then I would not be invited to eat dinner with the family. I got the leftovers I could sneak. I was frequently sent to school without a lunch. With no money to buy a lunch, I was left to my own devices. My best laid plan was to act up and get detention for which the punishment was cleaning the lunch tables after lunch while everyone else went on to recess. I'm ashamed to say that I ate many of my lunches from the trash that my classmates discarded. As I type this, my face is hot and red with shame; my most common emotion connected with eating. As a child I was ashamed for sneaking food because I knew it was not a normal activity for a child. Now, as an adult, I am equally ashamed because now I binge in secret.

I have always feared not having enough food to eat. I secretly obsess when I sit down at a meal that I will not have enough and what I eat will not fill me up. Ordering at a restaurant creates anxiety because often I don't know what the portions will be and again I will not have enough to eat. If I have a chance, I will eat before a meal if no one else is around. And if I have another chance, I will eat after a meal if no one else is around. Tough to do with a husband and three kids around but I still manage. I am terrified of going to sleep hungry.

What about emotional eating? Yep, I do that too. I'm self-destructive as hell and binging is destruction at it's finest. When I'm sad, I eat. When the memories are too much, I eat. When I hate myself, I eat. And then I hate myself even more for binging. When I write this, it makes no sense to me logically. But I still do. Food is comfort, food is punishment; I learned both of these lessons as a young child and I carry out both equally well.

How do I stop this obsession with food? I'm not sure. But I have to figure it out because it only breeds my own self-hatred.


mtyler77 said...

Shattered, I'm so sorry to hear about your obsession with food. However, you can work your way out of this obsession if you keep at it. I have also had obsessions with various substances throughout my childhood and adulthood--including food. My primary drug of choice was heroin for many years but I replaced that with food once I entered drug treatment.

I highly recommend this program called Overeaters Anonymous--they really deal with the issues that people have that are at the root of food addiction/obsession. You might want to check it out. I have found it is so much easier to deal with things if you have a good support community and this is definitely one of those.

Take care of yourself,

Melinda (Melindaville)

Journal of Healing said...

on facebook there is a like button you can hit when you get it, agree with it, etc. I am hitting an invisible like button. too.