How far does one venture into the black hole of a childhood?
The more I think, the more I write, the more I feel, the more I allow myself to remember, the more horror I unwrap. One of my biggest fears is drawing near.
What if I cannot stop?
Stop feeling, stop remembering, stop hurting, stop crying, stop traveling at light speed face-first into the fist of my past...
I have been this close to facing this fear before. And then I found convenient excuses to stop. Or run. I'm pretty much out of excuses these days. I am stable; my medications are doing their job. I have good support. I am not being abused. I am not in the midst of any sort of crisis. All of these positives are stepping stones in the right direction. Great.
I enjoy writing; I think that is probably pretty obvious. I enjoy the control. I share what I wish and I conceal what I do not wish to share. It works out perfectly. Or at least I like to think it does...
My husband tells me to just start talking. I think he's being ridiculous. No one just opens their mouth and starts spilling their secrets. When you spill something it is hard to control the mess. I like control. What if I lose the little control that I have?
I keep telling myself that I have already been through the worst of this. But what happens when feeling and remembering leaves a mark? What if who I find is maimed, ruined, and disfigured?
Then what?
Posts
Hello darkness my old friend,
4 months ago
15 comments:
You and I are taking the lemons and making lemonades. I just posted a lemonade award and talked about this on arise 2 write. The award is for you.
Blessings and hugs, andrea
I am glad to have found your blog. IT is so full of tragedy and achievements. You have come so far!!
I am only at the beginning of a possible experience with disassociation. I came upon your blog in a search for another with adissassociative disorder.
I wanted to find a blog where I would find hope, and similar experience. Then I found you.
You write beautifully. Absolutely beautifully. You brought tears to my eyes and smiles to my mouth.
Beautiful. Exceptional. I am now a follower.
Jennifer, I would have no idea how careful to advise you to be, but my gut says that, to be safe, you do need to feel you have control.
Whatever you choose to say, we'll all be listening and supporting you.
I don't know. I read something by Osho yesterday, about transformation vs control. The main point is that if you control, you don't let it out. If you transform, it has to come out. But for you, the process of this poison coming out must feel very frightening.
The first thought that came to my mind upon reading this post was
"Does the songwriter attempt to control the song aborning (adj.Coming into being or being created.)?
I think not.
Does the poet attempt to control the poem trying to sneak its way past the Internal Critic?
I think not.
Does the sleeping dreamer attempt to control the revelations of soul not in 24 hour lockdown?
I think not.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and mention a concept of reality that could be helpful in your process.
Right now, when you write, you communicate about Shattered/You/J and her multiple companions–the pieces in the mosaic that you are bringing together here with great artistry.
However, I would assert, #1, that there is an Oversoul, a greater, safe context, a state of grace, in which Shattered/You/J is couched–24/7/into infinity–and in which it is perfectly appropriate and, yes, even matter-of-fact, to just start talking, singing, painting, drawing, dreaming, visualizing one's experience.
#2, that you currently have your experiences emotionally and psychologically labeled "secrets/unacceptable" and "non-secrets/acceptable."
#3, no one can force a poem into existence before its time, nor should you feel compelled to force the memories of your painful experiences out into, what for you is, the cold light of self-revelation until such time as you are ready for them to come up and out.
Remembering them is not a punishment that the Great Psychologist in the Sky has set for you to prove your worthiness or your willingness to recall the worst. Remembering them, observing them, crafting them into a narrative, if you so choose, is nothing more or less than a reclamation project. Whatever, whenever, however you reclaim your autonomy, however, will always be couched in the safety of the sanctuary provided by your own greater self, your own Oversoul, as it were.
It's getting breezy out here on this limb so I'm going to wish you the very best for this one magical day and go back to communing with my own Oversoul. We're working on a reclamation project of our own over here.
Amitiés,
Writing is good for you. That's easy to see. What you seem to be reaching for, from the little I have known you, is a proper context.
I think you may be able to find that context in a closer relationship with God.
Larry Crabb's book, INSIDE OUT, discusses what you write about in this post. I found the book comforting and clarifying. You might benefit from it, too.
I think your husband is on to something, butyou should only do what feels right to you. Relax a bit and don't push it, let it come easy. Sending you big hugs. xoxo
Andrea, lemons into lemonade... good analogy! Thank you for the award; I will go take a look on your blog. :)
Shadyrae, thank you for reading! I visited your blog today and I am glad to read that you are getting help as well. This is a difficult road but it is definitely possible to find your way, especially with professional help. I will be following along with your blog too...
Deborah, I am beginning to see that there is a difference between safe and in control. Safe seems to be more healthy than chasing after control. As always, thank you for your encouragement and support.
Ruth, it is a frightening process. Control has always been a fixation of mine even though I have had very little of it in my life. But... over the past few days, I am realizing that control hurts more than it helps.
The Pliers, are you in my head?!? :)
Your description of an Oversoul is very accurate. Maybe that is the source of some of my frustration; the conflict between the creative Oversoul and the existence of my experiences. You are right, memories and experiences cannot be forced just as much as they cannot be stifled. There is a very fine line there and that line is very easily tangled.
"Remembering them is not a punishment that the Great Psychologist in the Sky has set for you to prove your worthiness or your willingness to recall the worst. Remembering them, observing them, crafting them into a narrative, if you so choose, is nothing more or less than a reclamation project."
This is very good. I do view the pain of remembering as punishment much of the time. Thank you for the new perspective and thank you for going out on your breezy limb... :)
Cassandra, I do love to read; I will take a look at that book. I have a very odd and strained relationship with God. It is something I need to work on... . Thank you for reading and for your encouragement.
Annie, my husband is typically a pretty smart guy. He probably is onto something... :) I am working on trying to relax a little and not trying to control everything.
i think that you are right. it is ridiculous to expect that opening your mouth will cause you to talk. you have many in you that have to trust him as well...completely trust him...before sharing so much more happens naturally. Hang in there.
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