Monday, February 8, 2010

Husband

I have a good husband.  I was very fortunate this time around.  Husband # 1 was a first class nightmare who also found himself enmeshed with my family from a young age. 

We were doomed before we even thought about dating.

My second time around I knew better what I was looking for and I found someone reasonably healthy.  No, my husband isn't perfect but I am sure that everyone here also knows that I am far from perfect as well.  I wish I could say that I have been an open book with him but I cannot.  He knows I have a past.  He knows I had a ruthless childhood.  He also knows I have D.I.D and he has done enough reading to know what kind of abuse causes such a disorder.  Prolonged and severe; he knows these things about me.  He "knows" my alters.  Some of them like him, some of them don't have much to do with him.  Others spend a great deal of energy trying to make him leave us. 

Except he doesn't leave.  Thank God.

When we were engaged we met with my therapist together and he got the short version of D.I.D, what living with me would look like, things to avoid, and things to do.  I was able to tell him that I was abused and that there are things in my past that I do not want to talk about with him.  All this he was fine with.  And he has remained fine; frustrated at times but still fine.

I used to journal on paper a lot.  And then he found one of my journals, read it, and all hell broke loose.  So I stopped writing until I began writing on this blog.  This has been a lifesaver for me to write here.  I have shared excerpts of my writings here with him but I have not freely shared the link.  It would not be the end of the world if he found this blog but I like it better knowing that I can write without censoring and having to answer questions about the day's blog post over dinner.  Talk about indigestion...

But now I am at a crossroads; my family is gone and with them died a lot of secrets.  My husband believes that I do not have a relationship with my father or mother and that my sister passed away... many years ago.  Knowing what he knows about D.I.D he has always been fine with us having no contact with them.  Now however, why am I still holding on to many of these secrets?

Anger is one reason.  My husband will be angry over much of what was done to me.  That anger will make me vastly uncomfortable.  And further, I have yet to justify causing someone to be angry for no profitable reason.  So why make him angry?

I fear what he will think of me; this is another reason.  What if he believes that I am a whore?  What if he realizes how fucked up I really am?  It boils down to my fear that he will believe what I already believe about myself.  And if we both believe the worst about me does that then mean that we will be doomed too?

That is my greatest fear.

17 comments:

Bruce Coltin said...

Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems that he has accepted you for what you are -- minus the details. Though he may have a good deal of trouble coming to terms with those details, he obviously doesn't scare easily. Are you underestimating him? Do you think he might be impatiently waiting for the show of trust so that he can prove that he is deserving of the truth?

Deborah said...

I am not a therapist and my advice should not be taken as it stands, but common sense tells me that your husband could be brought into the picture first by the therapist, on his own.

Your wonderful man needs to understand that his reactions have a powerful and potentially very negative effect on you, and being able to handle the information he might get requires that he be prepared. You cannot just spill this out, as you already know. It needs to be carefully controlled in a therapeutic setting, as I see it.

Your situation is charged with danger, but it also seems right that eventually your husband should be brought into the picture, if in fact he can handle it. And that could be determined ahead of time.

I'm not a believer in never having any secrets from your mate, but this is a huge and important part of what makes you Jennifer. Talk to your therapist, as I'm sure you will.

Courage!

Andrea said...

Sweetie,
Your past is NOT your fault and if you or anyone else believes the pain inflicted upon you is your fault they are believe satan's lies. Do not let the enemy continue to trap you with this lie.
Obviously, your husband loves you. I will pray for you as you make decisions as to what is best for both of you.
Blessings, andrea

Phoebe Miriah Kirby said...

I have you in my thoughts.

If that helps at all. :)
I have a feeling that your husband may have already concocted all sorts of scenarios in his head in regards to your childhood.
His thoughts are either WAY worse than what happened to you, or not even close...

It's a risky situation.
It seems as if it is something that will unravel gradually with time.

I always think very hard about my comments on your blog. I wish I could help more.

Friko said...

There is time, nothing needs to be done now; I agree with both Bruce Coltin and Deborah. Your husband has given you no reason to think that he will turn against you once he knows what you have suffered. Give him credit for that. Continue with treatment, on your own, with your husband, maybe as a family eventually.
I am no therapist either, but I do not believe that a full disclosure of the whole horrendous story of abuse and torture in one sitting would help anyone.

I did not mean in my last comment that the years of pain had become irrelevant, they are still with me now; but I have learned to see them as something that happened in the past and that I need never be afraid of again. I can breathe freely.

Shattered said...

Bruce, you aren't missing much and yes, he probably is waiting to gain more of my trust. No, he does not scare easily but he does tend to react. I probably am underestimating him but based on his past reactions, I tend to be pretty cautions. I wish there was a way to do this in steps...

Shattered said...

Deborah, I love your new picture! You are so pretty. :)

I have spent much of the past two weeks waiting for my father to just come up in conversation and then I would be able to communicate with my husband what has happened recently. Problem is, he knows that I don't talk about my family so the chances of it coming up are pretty slim.

I guess, like you said, much of this is going to have to happen in a controlled setting. I have always been OK with that until now because things are just so shitty that I would love to have him to lean on. And BTW, I can't believe I just wrote that I actually wanted/needed someone's help... ;)

Shattered said...

"Your past is NOT your fault and if you or anyone else believes the pain inflicted upon you is your fault they are believe satan's lies. Do not let the enemy continue to trap you with this lie"

Andrea, this is a stupid question but how do I stop believing this lie? I want to but it always works it was back into the truth for me.

Shattered said...

Phoebe, I know you are right about him concocting his own scenarios of my childhood in his head. He has told me that he does this and has even told me some of the scenarios. Problem is, most of them are pretty tame, and even those tame ideas upset him a great deal...

Thank you for your thoughts and comments. Please don't feel like you have to censor yourself when you comment here. :)

Shattered said...

Friko,

"I did not mean in my last comment that the years of pain had become irrelevant, they are still with me now; but I have learned to see them as something that happened in the past and that I need never be afraid of again. I can breathe freely."

As I thought more about it, I understand what you meant. My therapist likens it to having surgery; you remember the ordeal, the pain, the recovery but all of that fades and isn't as significant as it was when it was fresh.

Deborah said...

Jennifer, so I gather from your comment to me that your husband doesn't know that your father just died? Get thee to the therapist, dear girl. This is one secret too many.

Shattered said...

Well Deborah, that secret is past tense now. Last night, in very vague terms I told him that something had happened and that my father is dead now. I guess that's what happens when you drink a little too much wine with an upset mind. He listened and told me that he knew something bad was going on because of how I've been acting. I did apologize for not saying something sooner but past that I told him that I don't want to talk about it or answer questions right now, I just need him to lean on.

Journal of Healing said...

Shattered, The thought of someone finding my journal and reading it without my permission makes me sick to my stomach. I am sure that caused alot of mistrust, if not in you as deeply (which I know I can not know), but for sure in your insiders. I am sure that moderating the info his way, no matter how safe he may be in comparison to other men or even friends in the past, is very limited and screened. Building trust is very important though, and I know for me, it has really helped for us to have inside meetings to discuss what can be shared, etc, to work on building trust with my husband. he honestly (my husband), does not have the 100% stamp of approval to receive all of my secrets, fears and thoughts either. And, I have to be ok with that because going against everyone's feelings could be catastrophic. I think the inside meetings are the best tool I have ever found for slowly putting the lies to death and gaining well-rounded wholeness of purpose, mind and approach.
I guess I am just saying that your husband has given you and yours great reasons to fear sharing memories and pieces of your past. I am glad you are moving ahead with caution. I agree with some of what has been said about it being time to trust him with more, and of course involving your therapist in that may be helpful. Very helpful, in fact. But I think it would be a tragedy for you to ignore the alarms...trust broken like that, in one of the most devastating of ways I can think of for my journey (reading your journal without your permission) needs time to develop again. I am thankful for you sharing your journey on here! God Bless, and strength being sent your way from outsiders.

(((((Safe hugs for you as well))))) ang

Journal of Healing said...

One more thing...I have found that often we fear that others will think so terribly of us because of our pasts. What I have found that people are sickened by it, and never think the harsh things we think about us. If your husband DOES think that you caused any of the abuse, that you are a whore, or blames you for the fucked-up stuff that has happened...really, I would implore you at that point to really question if he is the man of integrity and wonder you think he is. You have described a supportive, DID ignorant in some ways (COMPLETELY NORMAL), and passionate man that loves you. I would assume that those qualities, minus some of the ignorance, would remain in tact if you share more with him. With the fear of someone that you love taking on the lies/fears you believe about yourself...yes, i highly recommend getting a third party that is educated, supportive and aware of your past, ie your therapist, involved in the sharing process, when and if you are ever ready for that. You are not fucked-up innately. They tried to fuck you up permanently, but have not succeeded. You have overcome, you will overcome, and truly...“The children that the world almost breaks become the adults that save the world.”
– Frank Warren

more blessings wished your way...ang

Deborah said...

I'm glad for that, Jennifer. That he knows at least that much, and that you could say you needed to lean. Warm hug to you.

Ruth said...

Yes, the first thing I felt after reading your post, before reading comments, was that in a setting with a therapist seems like the place to reveal whatever you feel led to reveal to your husband. I'm sure he would try to be understanding in any setting, but if he doesn't know how his anger, for instance, would affect you, he might assume you would want him to react that way. He will need to "catch up" with you, and a therapist would understand what is needed in the process.

California Girl said...

My husband has a temper. He's not violent nor abusive to me or others but when he is angry, he yells alot. I have come to realize he's driven by his own demons and he feels helpless when he cannot control a situation.

I would probably tell him in the presence of our therapist as I'd feel safe doing that and I'd know my husband's reaction, be it angry, sad or full of compassion, would be about his inability to really help me. His anger doesn't help me but having it dissected by the therapist does help.