Wednesday, June 8, 2011


I have been doing a lot of work with my feelings lately.  I have avoided them for most of my life because, well the bad ones outweigh the good ones. 

The rest of them were fucked or beaten out of me.

I have always believed that my feelings only led to trouble and pain.  A simple feeling stated as a child sent me tumbling down a rabbit hole of horrific pain.  An innocent smile was interpreted to be nothing but filthy desire.  A frown was nothing but blatant rebellion that had to be dealt with.

My thinking is extremely black and white.  Good or bad.  Right or wrong.  But what I'm learning is that feelings don't fall easily into any of those categories.  The classifications that I have used to reason my life into some semblance of order do not work for feelings.

So walking in this grey area is very difficult for me.  I cannot make much sense of what I allow myself to feel and if I do, I get stuck.  The detachment I have felt to my memories is slowly being bridged by the missing feelings.  And that is terrifying.

I have always been able to share, matter of factly, the details I have chosen to disclose.  And I'm very afraid that those details were the easy ones; the ones I could disconnect from and push the feelings onto someone else.

Remember those rabbit holes?  When I find the feelings associated with that pain it's like falling down that hole bound, gagged, and blindfolded.  My logic was my only means of control and I've lost it amongst the feelings.  The only way to climb out of that hole? 

Literally feel my way out.


Deborah said...

This is one of the few times I have dared to try to put myself in your shoes, Jennifer. The feelings associated with memories fade over time, and in recalling some of my unhappiest memories (although none could be considered traumatic) I can't recall the feeling. I know how I felt, but don't actually experience it any more.
For you, that's clearly not the case. You re-live things. And that's where I can't go further in trying to imagine what you feel.

You have tenderness and kindness in your life now, I hope.

Annie Coe said...

Hi Jennifer, lovely of you to come say hello. I find your blog just too painful for me to read as you know I was abused too though not as badly as you were. Your pain is hard for me to hold as I want to do something to help and I fear I don't know what that is except to offer love and hugs. You are on the right track, even if it is paintful, feeling feelings has to be done to get to the healing place.
Love to you dear Jennifer. xoxo

Journal of Healing said...

Written well, Jennifer. Keep writing. Keep feeling. Keep searching for grey.

<3 journal of healing

Shattered said...

Deborah, I hope that eventually these things scar over and like you, I remember how I felt but not the feelings themselves.

I do have kindness in my life now and yes, it helps immensely.

Shattered said...

Annie, thanks for stopping by. I completely understand and would never want you to willingly put yourself into pain by reading here. Thanks for your kind words.

Shattered said...

Journal, thank you.