Hope is an oddity to me. It is a double-edged sword. Just enough keeps one going. Too much can leave one in despair.Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life. ~ Proverbs 13:12
Throughout my life I have struggled to sustain a suitable balance between hope and despair. The two seem to be interrelated for me.
There were days, even moments, where I had hope that my life would improve. I saw a way out, I found someone who seemed to care for me, I made it through an entire night unharmed... These things gave me hope. I was hopeful.
Then there were other days, even moments, where I was filled with despair. My hope was lost. My heart was sick. There was no way out, everywhere I turned I was met with hatred or disbelief, I was torn apart at night only to be met with "nothing happened" in the morning... These things destroyed my hope. I was hopeless.
My inner struggle between hope and despair kept me alive. I firmly belive this. This same struggle keeps me alive, even today. Too many times I have thought that there was no way out so I surrendered myself to dying. But over and over hope has surfaced.
So I fought. Sometimes I fought against hope. Sometimes I fought for it. It was a sickening cycle. Some days, even now, it is with a sick heart that I press forward.
Today it is with a sick heart that I write. The enormity of my past is weighing down upon me. Normalcy seems to be nothing more than a fleeting hope. One step forward, two steps back. Hope and then despair. My head is screaming once again. It seems that everyone want their say. Everyone wants to be heard. I am one and they are many. Today is a day where I am screaming at them to shut the fuck up yet no one hears me. They drown me out and I feel powerless.
Today that dirty, sweaty man is in every corner, no matter where I turn. He is smiling, licking his lips, and he is laughing at me. I tell myself that things are different now; things are better. He laughs harder. Despair is setting in and I am feeling myself surrender while keeping one eye slightly open on the off chance that hope is in another corner that I just can't see yet.
Today is despair with a sick heart. Perhaps tomorrow is hope paired with desire. One can always hope...