Monday, November 23, 2009


Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life. ~ Proverbs 13:12
Hope is an oddity to me.  It is a double-edged sword.  Just enough keeps one going.  Too much can leave one in despair.

Throughout my life I have struggled to sustain a suitable balance between hope and despair.  The two seem to be interrelated for me.

There were days, even moments, where I had hope that my life would improve.  I saw a way out, I found someone who seemed to care for me, I made it through an entire night unharmed...  These things gave me hope.  I was hopeful.

Then there were other days, even moments, where I was filled with despair. My hope was lost.  My heart was sick.  There was no way out, everywhere I turned I was met with hatred or disbelief, I was torn apart at night only to be met with "nothing happened" in the morning...  These things destroyed my hope.  I was hopeless.

My inner struggle between hope and despair kept me alive.  I firmly belive this.  This same struggle keeps me alive, even today.  Too many times I have thought that there was no way out so I surrendered myself to dying.  But over and over hope has surfaced. 

So I fought.  Sometimes I fought against hope.  Sometimes I fought for it.  It was a sickening cycle.  Some days, even now, it is with a sick heart that I press forward.

Today it is with a sick heart that I write.  The enormity of my past is weighing down upon me.  Normalcy seems to be nothing more than a fleeting hope. One step forward, two steps back.  Hope and then despair.  My head is screaming once again.  It seems that everyone want their say.  Everyone wants to be heard.  I am one and they are many.  Today is a day where I am screaming at them to shut the fuck up yet no one hears me.  They drown me out and I feel powerless.

Today that dirty, sweaty man is in every corner, no matter where I turn.  He is smiling, licking his lips, and he is laughing at me.  I tell myself that things are different now; things are better.  He laughs harder.  Despair is setting in and I am feeling myself surrender while keeping one eye slightly open on the off chance that hope is in another corner that I just can't see yet.

Today is despair with a sick heart.  Perhaps tomorrow is hope paired with desire.  One can always hope...


Deborah said...

It's two steps forward, and only one step back, Jennifer. I have read almost all of your posts, and what they say to me is that you are making progress towards a better state of mind.

Even if all those others in your head seem not to be listening, what comes out here is you. The real and only you, and she is not powerless.

A big hug for you.

Saranne said...

Jennifer - My heart just reaches out to envelope you....I am also a survivor of child abuse - but not to the degree that you were subjected to. But I think I may have a tiny inkling of the demons that you are now battling. I've read all of your posts, and what I see is the healthy part of you struggling to be born. I have been, and continue to be on that path. All that I can say to you is that the journey is worth the struggle and the pain. Life IS beautiful. You ARE strong, or you would have given up a long time ago. I am holding you close in my thoughts as you fight your battles - you are NOT alone! oxox

Friko said...

Your pain breaks my heart.
Please, please, keep writing, keep writing it all out. Writing may not bring the solution and certainly not salvation, but it will lessen the weight of the agony and despair inside. Writing is as good as screaming.

I will gladly read what you write, I will promise to soak up your pain as others have soaked up mine and as I have and still am, soaking up the pain of a dear friend of mine who feels like she will never, in this life, find peace.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

You have already received much loving attention from previous commenters.

I'm sure you have probably done some therapy around this violation. Have you ever heard of EMDR? It is an amazing form of therapy where bilateral movements are used that the patient follows with their eyes. It is often used now for people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't know the specifics of your trauma - but it does sound like you could be dealing with PTSD. I highly recommend you check out this form of therapy. BTW it is really quick - not like talk therapy that can go on forever. A few sessions could do it.
I have a post about it on my blog - from back in July I think. Check it out and be compassionate with your wounded self.

Dorothy said...

Today, I have so many candles to light and one will be for you and your courage. To write and think and still move forward, your progress is amazing because that demon will always be there to test you try to take you and I sense in your weakest and saddest moments you will win and step forward and smile knowing your moving in the right direction and the demon has not stolen another minute or day of your life.

Hugs and praise to brave women keep writing as it is your window out of the pain and memories which you will always have to deal with.


Dorothy from grammology

Shattered said...

Deborah, bless you reading all those posts! I hope they did not leave you horribly depressed... ;)

It's nice to know that you can see improvements even if I don't. It is such a delicate balance between letting the others be heard and known and becoming stronger myself. Some days are better than others...

Thank you for your encouragement.

Shattered said...

Saranne, I am so sorry to hear that you have walked in my shoes as well. Thank you for the encouragement to keep going; it helps to hear from others that have been through this that it does get better and that it's worth it. Thank you for reading and thank you for your encouragement.

Shattered said...

Friko, I don't really know what to say other than to thank you for your kindness. Writing does help but I do feel like it is a fine line between writing everything and writing enough. I certainly do not want to horrify people. I do like what you said about writing being as good as screaming... I don't like screaming but I can certainly write. :)

Thank you again for your kindness.

Shattered said...

Bonnie, my therapist and I have looked at EMDR a few times but for one reason or another, it has never panned out. I do have a PTSD diagnosis along with my other diagnoses however, I think that one of the hesitations with EMDR is that I dissociate. I am a lot stronger now so it is worth another look; thank you for the idea. In the past it has been difficult finding someone in my area that does EMDR so hopefully that is different now.

Thank you for reading and for your encouragement.

Shattered said...

Dorothy, thank you for your kind words. It is difficult to keep going at times but as long as I'm moving, I hope that I will be getting stronger. Thank you for reading what I write.