Friday, November 27, 2009

Writing

It is interesting what a life of its own this blog has taken on.  I originally began writing here because my husband continually found my written journals in the house, read them, and then became very angry over the content.  Anger is not something I handle well. 

So here I began to write.

I have taken a few breaks here.  Once because it became too hard to spell this shit out; it hurt too much.  And another break because of some internal conflicts I had within myself.  Those conflicts led me to this conclusion of honesty.

Writing from an honest place has been very freeing.  Some of the secrets I have held  close, I have shared here.  Those held even closer, I have not.  Yet.  When I write I am writing from raw place. There is no order, rhyme or reason to my posts. It just is. I do not see that I am any sort of writer simply because I sensor and edit what I write very little. I write for myself; to purge the poison I feel inside.

I struggle with self-esteem; I have very little of it.  I walk around thinking "if they only knew...", positive that "they" would hate me, despise me, be shocked or even disgusted by me.  However, I have learned my lesson here and it is the opposite of what I believed I would learn.  I have not had one hateful comment here or even a single hateful email.  The things that horrified me the most, horrified me for the wrong reasons.  I am not all that horrible.  The kindness shown by others here is amazing to me.  Perhaps it doesn't surprise the average person who believes that generally people are good.  However, that has not been my life experience.  But that is changing now.

The last surprise this blog has revealed is the help and awareness it provides.  Like other survivors, I have asked "why" over and over and never received an answer.  I still do not have a complete answer but I am beginning to believe that what I endured might possibly help another person.  Selfishly, I cannot say that it makes it all worth it though. 

Maybe someday.

So here I write.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Some words are what I think and wrestle with.  Other words are spilling what has happened; previously unspeakable words.  Writing is a way that we all communicate but there is a certain power in the spoken and audible word.  I have been encouraged to read outloud what I write here.  Verbalizing what I write scares me.  But just as writing has been an exercise in freedom; my wish is that speaking these words will take the sting and power out of the tragic while giving life to what is good and hopeful.

15 comments:

Will said...

writing frees - because it forces things out into the open where they can then disappate or somehow lose the power they had when cooped up inside us...

and i think your decision to write in this sort of forum - where you can be anonymous and still get honest feedback - was definitely a good one...

be well...
Will
:-)

Friko said...

'I am not all that horrible'
WRONG!

I am good, I am worthwhile, I am me who is the opposite of horrible.
RIGHT!

The Pliers said...

I cannot speak to what you lived through when you should have been living through a childhood. And I cannot see that it can ever have been "worth it" for any reason.

However, that said, and that sidestepped for the moment, I do believe that any one who survives a violation and then wields words, a pen, a typewriter, a keyboard, a microphone, a paintbrush, a poem, a song, a blog, a film, a paragraph of prose, a march from Selma to Montgomery, a presence in a Stonewall riot, or a raised black-gloved fist on a podium at the Olympics to dissent, promote change, and render art from his or her personal suffering and resistance to being annihilated will be perceived rightly as a symbol of courage by the many who suffer in silence.

That is the nature of bearing witness.

So, I'm gonna give you a song to keep with you that helped a people in a world of hurt keep on going when the going had never been anything but tough. I've just adapted it a bit for your use...

Ain't Gonna Let Nobody Turn Me Around

Ain't gonna let nobody
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let incest
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let incest turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let rape
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let rape turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let shame
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let shame turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let fear
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let fear turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let misguided self-blame
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let misguided self-blame turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let damaged self-esteem
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let damaged self-esteem turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let your hatefulness
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let your hatefulness turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let your violence
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let your violence turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Ain't gonna let nobody
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Turn me around!
Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a - walkin' keep on a - talkin'
Bloggin' down to freedom's land!

Anyway, you get my drift...

English Rider said...

Ms. Pliers said it well. What was done to you was horrible. You are not horrible. I am beginning to think that these writings and thoughts you have processed might make you a motivational speaker and help many.

Deborah said...

Jennifer,
A much wiser woman than I once said to me that we would all be in jail if we could be imprisoned for our thoughts. So just forget about the 'if they only knew....'.
Pliers' lyrics brought a lump to my throat, because she's so damn right. You are on the road to freedom, and we are shoulder to shoulder with you.

Shattered said...

Will, thank you for reading. I feel good about my decision to write here too.

Shattered said...

Friko, you're right! The opposite of horrible. It is taking some doing to change my thinking of myself but I am slowing getting there. :) Thank you for the reminder!

Shattered said...

The Pliers, Wow! I have read your post several times and each time I find something new in it. Thank you for your wise encouragement.

"That is the nature of bearing witness."

I like this quote very much. :)

Shattered said...

ER, I guess we never know what the future holds... but, the thought of speaking scares the shit out of me. ;) Seriously though, I do hope that I can help someone, even if it is just one person.

Shattered said...

Deborah, you are very right about our thoughts; I guess we all have our fair share of darkness in our minds. Thank you for your continued encouragement. Quite honestly, I never imagined the response that I have received here and for that I am grateful.

Josephine said...

I love your honesty. Keep going, never stop.

therapydoc said...

Totally it's a great therapy, writing, and you do it so well!

Shattered said...

Josephine, thank you for reading. :)

Shattered said...

Therapydoc, I agree that it is good therapy. Thank you for reading!

Brendahzow said...

writing frees - because it forces things out into the open where they can then disappate or somehow lose the power they had when cooped up inside us... and i think your decision to write in this sort of forum - where you can be anonymous and still get honest feedback - was definitely a good one... be well... Will :-)