Monday, March 8, 2010

Hurt

Miserable.  I don't deserve to be miserable.  This has been my mantra over the past several weeks.

I was stopped dead in my tracks shortly after my last post.  I went to therapy, minding my own business like I always do, and my therapist told me he had a possible solution for handling my vices.  Or addictions as they should be more accurately described.

REHAB

Are you fucking kidding me?  Turns out he wasn't.  And that was a sobering moment.  To come to the point in my life where I'm told that I am essentially out of control and I need to be locked up to gain control is probably enough to get most anyone's attention. 

I am all about control so coming to the reality that control is not something in my arsenal; well, that one is a tough one for me.  I came here and had nothing to say.  Perhaps out of embarrassment.  Perhaps out of fear.  Perhaps I was wordless.  And so I was quiet.

Back to the rehab thing; I used my daughter as a reason... excuse... and asked for a month to get my shit together.  I then went home, armed with a list written by my therapist for my husband.  And I actually gave the list to him and did a lot of explaining.

I've left my husband in the dark about a lot.  Especially when it comes to the food and cutting problems.  When I told him that I still cut his response was, "but that's what fucked up people do". 

I met his remark with a smile and a raised eyebrow and said, "yeah".

So I'm doing what fucked up people do.  I'm talking; not in my head but with audible words for real humans to hear.  I'm trying to express my feelings better.  I'm being honest about my habits.  And I'm letting people help me.  All novel concepts. 

To keep busy, I'm also quilting and sewing everything in my path.  I made two quilts in a week.  My husband is worried that he is going to wake up and find himself quilted to the bed.  I told him that if it keeps me sober then perhaps he should pick out some fabrics that he likes.

I'm doing better.  I am thinking before I eat, drink, or hurt myself. 

And politely speaking, really all of this has just been one form or another of hurting myself.  Impolitely, I have been self-destructing or fucking myself up.  Whatever it is, I don't deserve it. 

I've been hurt enough.

36 comments:

Andrea said...

You deserve GOOD...not harm.
Praying for you, andrea

Deborah said...

Jennifer, it's good to see you back again. From my outsider's, untrained view, there's some excellent things happening here, the biggest of which is that you are facing your stuff head on (this seems to be your way now) and the second biggest of which is that your husband is in the loop.

I laughed at one point - something that has never happened before while reading you - when you said you had made 2 quilts in a week. I have a vision of a thoroughly industrious you, stitching like mad, churning out quilts one after the other.

But I didn't know what to make of the last paragraph. I think what I find confusing is that you use the present tense, as in ' I am self-destructing' right after you say I'm doing better ". It's not that I'm being incredibly picky about your sentence structure, but that it's a mixed message. I think, and hope, that you really meant ' I was fucking myself up.' I know the battle isn't won, isn't history yet, but is that what you meant?

Shattered said...

Andrea, thank you. :)

Shattered said...

Deborah, YAY! I made someone laugh while reading here. Your picture is just about right, BTW. ;)

You're right, I should have written that better. What I meant was that all that I have been doing in the past has been self destructive and that as I'm working through this, I'm reminding myself that I don't need to continue hurting myself. I'm glad you asked and I got to clarify!

Bruce Coltin said...

I am not surprised that you made Deborah laugh. There are often glimpses of black humor in your writing. I would like to think that you are able to make yourself laugh at the very moments that you need that kind of perspective.

Vicki in AZ said...

Smiling and sharing your success with you!! Thank you for writing and telling us. I just want to look you in the eye and tell you how much your bravery touches me. ♥

JeannetteLS said...

I understood that, actually. We CAN still be self-destructing at the same time we start to get better. It's EASY. Recognition. Slowing down what is destroying us. Being mindful EVEN IF WE ENGAGE in the BEHAVIOR! Yup. We can be getting better faster than we're self-destructing, until we turn it around. I DO love your husband's fear he will be quilted. And there is something to me that seems appropriate that you are stitching disparate, yet related pieces to make a beautiful whole.

I paint with collage. I tear up bits of tissues, hand-made or mass-produced. And I use water colors because I CANNOT totally control them. When they inconveniently drip, I must turn the drips into intentional art.

There is nothing less crazy than a crazy quilt. And you? Well. I just think that what you are sharing with us takes inordinate courage--letting go and letting us know about it. It seems to me that you have a whole bunch of followers who believe in you and understand that recovery comes in bits and pieces, and ups and downs.

I hope you feel the love coming at you from all around. Take care and give yourself a gentle day, if you can.

Friko said...

"I've been hurt enough"

You are right.
Time to stop hurting yourself, then.
Make a start, anyway.
Good luck.

Journal of Healing said...

Shattered,

Silence is deafening, isn't it? From what I understand between me, and two of my close friends that are also DID, we all share the same major fear: that we are too too much for the world and even for ourselves. You know, I was thinking recently AGAIN...DID treatment is so nonconventional. There is no right way or wrong way to do this journey, as long as the goal is healing and breaking down those damn walls that we had to build to fucking survive. You know what else is non, un, anything other than conventional? FUCKING with kid's minds, hearts, thinking and sexuality. SIGH.
I'm proud of you for stepping back and not just doing what your therapist said. Now, I'm definitely not trying to have a vote in your process, of course you get to decide who has one. But, that's some strength to not just give in. others view that as resistance to the process, but the truth is: us DIDers really have unique journys. As avid of a believer as I am in the 12-step process, I also think that it is possible to break down the lies and bring sanity to your inside without inpatient treatment. Of course inpatient treatment is amazing as well...not knocking that approach. It just terrifies me to think of in-patient anything for myself, and I can imagine that you may be feeling that same terror. It reminds me of Karen in Switching Time, when her therapist had her committed for short-term psych treatment. All of her insiders just covered well for the suicidal one so that they released her early. While there, one insider even organized the med cabinet for the nurses when they weren't looking. It wasn't helpful for her journey. It actually caused inside strife, confusion, and resentment.
But I am sure that it has worked for some with DID. Again, I guess I just wanna sum it up into this: NO one gets a vote in your process/journey unless you give them one.

Hey, and GOOD JOB including your hubby in your process! Great strides! Amazing growth since you last posted! Hang in there. Keep fighting to become all that God intended you to be before fucked up wounded people fucking wounded you.

((((YOU))))

ang

Journal of Healing said...

one more thing...idk if you saw it, but I left a comment finally under your Husband post. haha. :) ang

shadyrae said...

I understand ur situation better then you might think....I have been to rehab. Although it can be a difficult thing to do, it is also helpful and healing....Stay strong and sorry for your pain...

Deborah said...

Well as usual, I was so gripped by your words that I didn't look around. Beautiful quilts over there on the right!!!

And you know, it gave me a little shiver of the wrong sort to see 'Me' in the list of your 'disappearing family'. xo

Shattered said...

Bruce, I'm glad that you are able to pick up on that humor because yes, it's there. Despite my circumstances I have typically been able to find humor in my life. I will even venture to say that it's gotten me through some pretty rough moments.

Shattered said...

Vicki, thank you for reading and your encouragement.

Shattered said...

Jeannette, you are right, sometimes being mindful of why we are doing something is a step in the right direction. I love the symbolism that I find in quilting. I also like the accidental beauty you find in your own art.

"I just think that what you are sharing with us takes inordinate courage--letting go and letting us know about it. It seems to me that you have a whole bunch of followers who believe in you and understand that recovery comes in bits and pieces, and ups and downs.

I hope you feel the love coming at you from all around."

It is hard to share here sometimes but the support is well worth it. I am truly humbled by the encouragement I receive here.

Shattered said...

Friko, I am off to a good start. :) Thank you for your encouragement.

Shattered said...

Ang, I think that my therapist was probably right in suggesting rehab and I think that if I went, I would probably have a decent experience. But I do have my daughter to think of and if there is a way to avoid being away from her then I'm going to try that way first. You are right, therapy for DID is very non-conventional and I don't think there is a catch-all solution for every issue. I count myself very blessed to have people who care and let me have a vote. :)

Shattered said...

Shady, I'm sorry that you can identify. I'm glad that you found rehab helpful. I'm sure I would find things helpful about it as well. Glad to see you around again. :)

Shattered said...

Deborah, thank you! You didn't miss them earlier... I added them just awhile ago. :)

I know, I'm starting to not feel like I belong listed with my family but I'm not sure where I do fit. Yet.

Deborah said...

Maybe your place is with a different cast of characters - the family you have made.

Journal of Healing said...

That makes sense. I know whatever you decide will be best for your journey. Good luck in that process. I emailed you at your Shattered address. Just thought I'd give you a head'sup to check it. :)

ang

maggie said...

I laughed at the thought of your husband sewn into a quilt and just seeing this humourous side of you.
So great to see your creative side too, beautiful.

Phoebe Miriah Kirby said...

You know, this post made me feel very happy.
Happy that you are connecting, happy that your husband said that to you, happy that you're quilting.

You made me so happy. :)
That's gotta say something about your improvement.

Ruth said...

Oh this feels . . . I was going to say good. But what do I know? It feels hopeful. I felt the humor, the fabric squares, the inches your husband is starting to be allowed to see and feel with you. Those needle pricks on your fingers, the callouses that develop. It's new for him, he'll need some time catching up. No one knows but you, but he wants to, I bet, as much as he can. I really like the quilting here. Something has to be cut up, then pieced back together, to make a different whole. When I used to quilt it always struck me as a strange project, to cut something up in order to create a different whole, something uniquely mine. Your squares are simple and straightforward - not a crazy quilt! I love that, really I love that. Hello, Jennifer. Good morning, quilter.

sarah said...

this post kind of made me laugh...I have visions of you wild and out of control quilting your husband to the bed....but it does sound like you're doing good..Nothing like a scare to get us moving....sometimes. Stay strong. Hey...and you can do it!!!!!!!

Shattered said...

Deborah, yeah, I probably do belong in my new family's cast. I don't know why it's so damn hard to tear myself away from my biological belonging and become a part of my current family.

Shattered said...

Ang, I got your email... great idea! I'll email you back. :)

Shattered said...

Maggie, it makes me smile thinking about it too. I'm glad I can show another side of myself here and that it makes others happy. :)

Shattered said...

Phoebe, I'm so glad this made you happy! I do enjoy quilting and sewing. I think I'll be sharing more of what I do here...

Shattered said...

Ruth, I just love your analogies! It is funny how I ended up with such a symbolic hobby. I guess we are drawn to what we identify with. I love Etsy.com; if you haven't been to that site, go take a look and I promise you will spend hours there... Anyways, there are several shops that you can buy fabric scraps and remnants from. One of my favorite things to do is buy a 1 pound bag of scraps and make a quilt from those pieces that no one had use for or wanted. It's amazing the quilt that can from formerly useless scraps.

Shattered said...

Sarah, it is kinda funny to picture isn't it? I'm sure my husband has similar visions... ;)

Ruth said...

I like the randomness of getting a package of scraps from someone else at Etsy. It's extraordinary, if you think about it, bringing in the energy of someone else's life to combine with yours that way. Quite exciting.

I know the site, my daughter has a shoppe there. I wouldn't mind starting one, if I ever get organized. I seem to not be in a crafty phase now. I went through one for many years when the kids were home, especially living in Istanbul, when I didn't work, and I had time to make things with my hands. The women around me were crocheting and knitting, and so it was natural to sit over tea and do piece-work.

Ruth said...

I don't mean that I wouldn't have time to do crafts with my hands now if I chose. I do other things in my spare time. So it's not that I don't have time. Just not the inclination. But I love that my daughter has taught herself to knit, such beautiful things. She knitted me a shawl to wear at her wedding when it got chilly in the evening. Imagine, the bride making something for her mother to wear.

Betty Bishop said...

I LOVE your quilts - both the crazy one and he very sane one! How big are they? Do you think of selling them? They could keep someone warm and and cozy and feeling less Shattered. Keep quilting girl!
You should give yourself a lot of marks for having the capacity to keep your marriage together - it is so important and a definite sign of good health lurking somewhere within.
take care,
Betty

Shattered said...

Ruth, I got a new scrap package over the weekend and thought of you. As I took some time to sort through the box yesterday, I thought about the creative energy you mentioned... and you are right, it is something exciting.

That is so neat that you passed your love of crafts on to your daughter. I hope to do the same with my daughter. I had to teach myself what I know and many times I wished that I had someone to share my process with. So even if you are not in a crafty "mode" I'm sure your daughter still crafts and thinks of you.

Shattered said...

Betty, thank you! The top quilt is my husband's now and it measures 55x60. The bottom quilt is mine, made from some of my very favorite fabrics, and it measures 50x60. I do sell quilts, mostly by custom order. I also give a lot of them away for one reason or another...

Thank you for the encouragement about my marriage and being healthy somewhere inside. I needed to hear that because I'm not feeling very healthy these days.