I started this blog with the need to be honest. Good or bad. I write a lot about my past, my secrets, my hurts, and a little about my feelings.
I have a present tense life as well. However, my present has always been wrapped up in my past. And my future, well I honestly could not imagine one. I have never been one to even dream of a day down the road. I grew up living day to day. Even moment by moment.
My father's death has changed a lot. I held my breath with every phone call, knock at the door, even a familiar cologne or voice. I don't have to do this anymore and it is the strangest feeling. I have a present life. And possibly even a future.
So now as I look at my present I see that it is a tangled mess of feelings, numbness, bad habits and addictions. I have never cared about these things before. Because I had no future.
Here is the ugly truth. My husband told me that I am an alcoholic the other night. I told him that he was full of shit. After discussing my drinking habits in therapy last night I asked my therapist if I was one and without a taking a breath or even a pause his answer was "yes".
And another ugly truth. I eat too much. I guess that's called binging. And then I throw up. Purging. And then I won't eat at all. And after that I will binge again. I have done this for years. My food issues run very deep. Food is one of the earliest ways that I remember my parents abusing me.
And yet another. I cut. That one is pretty straightforward.
I know that all these things need to stop. They hurt me. Some worse than others. And worse, these things hurt the people who love me. But I would be lying if I said that replacing these habits doesn't scare me shitless.
Food. Alcohol. A blade. These things have been constants in my life. My friends. What I run to when I'm sad, hurting, numb, lonely. Even happy. So I am looking for some new constants. Healthy ones.
I don't really know what I want by writing this. I suppose I just want to be honest about where I am and where I need to be headed.
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