Thursday, March 25, 2010

Sick

Broken babies everywhere.  Fraught with shredded suffering, nothing soothes or makes them calm.  I am so afraid that I have a very sick mind. 

They scream.  They hurt.  My head throbs with psychic suffering and torment.  I am so very tired of having this twisted space of devastation within me.  Normal is relative but with simple confidence I can say that normal people do not have these images of pain.

Most memories are ones that I can endure but bleeding babies push me towards capacity.  Common people smile at me while daily acquaintances are kind and complimentary. 

If they only knew... 

If they only knew the poison that has washed over my mind.  If only they knew the images that I can never shake.  The oily suds of sin that froth and foam, they will never wash completely clean. 

I wrestle and I twist with these faces until I am overcome with the fear.  My bitter stomach churns as I reach for a familiar metal.  My hands shake with forward reaching regret until the warmth of release stings when mixed with salty tears.

My mind lurches forward as the flashbacks of the past find me unsuspecting.  The mental whiplash leaves me lost as the jarring shock brings me to my knees.  I am begging for an end; a present firmly rooted that is able to withstand the forces of his latent life. 

I am begging for relief before I am sick like him.

8 comments:

Rhonda said...

Praying that you receive relief from your pain soon dear one.

maggie said...

Know that you are loved Jennifer.

Debbie said...

I hope you know that the second half of "If they only knew ..." is "many of them would be amazed by my courage and touched by my humanity after a lifetime of such horrors." You're daily in my prayers, to see yourself for the diamond that you are.

Deborah said...

Oh, Jennifer, your suffering is immense. You said a while back that EMDR had been raised as a therapeutic possibility. Does it have the potential to relieve this dreadful agony of yours?

Friko said...

It's not true, you will shake the images.They will fade. Never give up hope. And those people, the ones who appear as normal as you do, on the surface. They too fight their demons. You are not alone.

English Rider said...

I hate to think that you are cutting yourself, yet even in your pain you are reaching out to us with truths, albeit artfully disguised in skillful writing. A complex package. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Revisit the words in your blog header. You carry more than your share but you are not alone on your path.
Hugs to you.

Shattered said...

She is taking a small break and will be back soon. Thank you for your responses becuase I know they mean alot to her.

-James

Ruth said...

James, and Jennifer, you know what? You'll never be sick like him.