Thursday, April 15, 2010

Update

I apologize for neglecting my blog.  I've been in a weird place as of late and I suppose I've spent some time pretending that all this isn't happening.  In my mind, if I don't write here then I must be fine.  Right?

Wrong.

I got over the hump of the last integration only to slide downhill into a family mess.  I have worked hard to keep my head above water and ignore the worry that comes with this shit.  And I was doing a good job until last weekend.

A breach of my intimate trust occurred nearly five years ago when my husband and I were engaged.  His relationship with his mother has always been strained for a number of complex reasons.  In an attempt to share his life with her he shared with her about me, our relationship, and what seemed to be harmless details. 

At least to him. 

When he told me about their conversation I learned that he told her about my past and my Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I have never believed that he did this with ill intent but I have always worried about her own ignorance of perception.  Because she is a truly ignorant person.

And now their conversation, as I have always worried, has come back to bite me in the ass.  For a whole other post about the reasons, she is angry with me for something I have no control over: my husband's relationship with his two kids from his previous marriage.  To pay me back she has taken my disorder, skewed it's reality, and has shared it in an open email to any family member with an email address.  All under the guise of "let's pray for her".  Like all good Christians do... and I write those words dripping with truthful sarcasm.

My husband keeps telling me that she looks worse than anyone could ever think of me.  I am having a hard time believing that.  I'm also having a hard time not being angry with him.  I know he didn't do this with the intent to hurt me five years later but the truth is that is exactly what is happening.

I have tried. I really have. But I am out of ideas or delusions that this is OK. It's not and it hurts terribly.  I am horribly embarrassed and no matter what I don't see a way out of that feeling.

15 comments:

Andrea said...

First of all, you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. All of us have issues or health problems of some kind whether we admit them or not. If she presented this situation in a bad light..then indeed those who are NOT ignorant will see right through it and she will be the one to look bad. Those who are overcome with ignorance are not worth you worrying about. Pray for them and move on! Hold your head high and live life to it's fullest. Do NOT allow your MIL or satan to steal your joy! You are wasting your time worrying about this....
Much love, hugs, and prayers,
andrea

Deb W said...

Shattered,

I completely understand where you are coming from! DID is stigmatized and so misunderstood. I understand the embarrassment, too. And the anger at your husband. How he could have told his mom something that personal without asking you first makes me angry for you. But people do make mistakes.

Even with that said, you have a right to feel your anger - even if he had no ill intent. You feel what you feel. So feel it. Ride the wave of pain (I KNOW it hurts to do this and is very scary) and it will help it resolve.)

And do the same thing with your embarrassment. You are right about not being able to find a way out from that feeling. What you need is a way THROUGH the feeling, not a way out. I do understand your humiliation/anger at MIL. I really do. I should say I know it intimately at an emotional level.

Please let me know if I can help you out with this in any way, including just being a listening ear. I really mean that. I have DID, too,

Friko said...

You don't have much luck with family, yours, his, hers, ex or present. I hope this latest disaster doesn't destroy your marriage and cause unhappiness to your daughter.
Perhaps, the MIL is truly arranging for nothing more than prayers all round? Perhaps she is just misguided rather than having an evil intent?
I suppose the hardest thing to come to terms with will be your husband breaking your confidence.

I really wish your troubles would end and you could get down to the process of healing yourself. Good luck.

Catherine said...

shattered, I'm so sorry you are going through a difficult time. I know that people's ignorance can be very harmful and painful and I hope you can find some peace in all this mess.

Remember who you are and who matters. Remember whose understanding you desire and focus in on that.

Von said...

Sometimes when we trust people and share very private information we need to tell them if we don't want it to go further, we can't expect them to know if we don't say what we don't want shared.
It's done now and hopefully you've learned who to share with and when not to..a tricky line sometimes.

sarah said...

here in your corner. Sarah

svasti said...

I agree with your husband - your mother-in-law looks nasty and spiteful. DID is not something you need to be ashamed of. And so even if it was private information that was shared without your permission or approval in the first place, what has happened isn't bad.

Even though it might not seem that way right now, you never know what this might bring. Maybe even positives. I remember the first time I got brave enough to share (in a little way) on Facebook about my dealings with PTSD. And that little act was an opening for another friend to confide that she too, had had PTSD.

But the big thing for me was giving up the total secrecy I felt I had to keep in place to survive. Nothing bad happened to me as a result. And I felt freer. Maybe not straight away, but eventually I did.

I am sorry you're feeling unhappy right now, but I am also hoping that in time you'll be able to see that your mother-in-law's spitefulness may have just done you a favour. Sending you hugs!

Deborah said...

Jennifer, I wanted to comment last night but couldn't find the right things to say. Now I'm glad I waited because svasti put it better than I would have, and it rings truer from her because she has an idea of what it's like to be in your shoes.

Giving up the secrecy can be a good thing. Secrets have the power to hurt, and take emotional energy to keep hidden. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of - that reaction is your child's response. With the knowledge of your DID in the open, although I can understand the you would initially be horrified, the pressure is off.

What matters most is not that the information is out there, but how you react to it. Your MIL has chosen to be inappropriate and to spread the word, but it may well be that she actually thinks she's helping. Enough said about that.

So you, Jennifer, are going to hold your head up. You are the sole survivor of a brutal war waged on you personally, and your very existence, not to mention your child, your marriage, your successes and your extremely hard work to heal yourself are proof of your tenacity and courage.

These are admirable things. You are an admirable human being. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of in the least. You can't control other people's reactions but you have a say in your own. You have been freed of a secret, and there is something positive in that.

I don't for a minute think this is easy, but you have faced down far worse things than this.

Love,
Deborah

Jenny said...

I'm a recent visitor to this blog and can't tell you how much it has meant to me, how you've helped me understand and deal with sexual abuse.

You've every right to be angry. Don't let an ignorant woman get you down! You are strong, she is weak in the head. She spreads poison, but it doesn't change the truth you've shared here. You don't need "prayers". Rather we should "pray" for all the victims of predatory "fathers", which includes priests and all manner of shame-mongering hypocrites. I "pray" that victims get secular help, that they find the courage to point fingers and shed secrets. As long as we protect torturers who spew their hatred of the body on children, their victims will be left to drown in shame.

You are a shining star, a wounded healer, an angel to other victims of abuse. Your alters make up a rainbow. Not to embarrass you, but you're also a genius. I agree with a previous commenter that everything you write is publishable. And I love your beautiful quilts!

My family is proud, rich, smart, famous and cruel. I look elsewhere to find love and truth. Reading you has changed my life, and my sister's life, for the better. Thank-you, Shattered!

English Rider said...

"Is this the hill you want to die on?" You have and are still dealing with many difficult things that most of us could not face as you do. Before your absence you were considering rehab and focusing on admitting to yourself that you have a dependency on alcohol. That seems of greater import for your health and future than getting sidetracked by your MIL.
If your husband is more accepting of your condition than you are then his mistake in sharing with his mother can be seen as proof positive that he loves you for the whole package of who you are and it does not diminish you in his eyes. Is that a crime? He may also have been manipulated by his mother. That is a relationship "once removed" from our insight and understanding.
Good thoughts to you, as always.

Journal of Healing said...

Have missed you Shattered! ((YOU ALL)) ...I can't even describe the horror and unsafety i would feel if this happened to me. I am so sorry this is happening. This breach of anonymity would really spin me. I don't think you are wasting time worrying about this...i think that this should be thought about, and definitely boundaries are in order...though whatever decision you make will be the best one you can make at the time. You have our (me and mine) support on any decision you make, if that counts for anything, haha.

For me, the way out of a feeling this intense includes boundaries, and directness. That's me though. It has worked before--i have had to set many boundaries with my in-laws of late, and the freedom i have found has been INTENSELY rewarding.

you hang in there, ok?! You can do this! Keep fighting! You're doing amazing!!!! I saw that part about a recent integration as well! *cyber high-five, hug and thumbs up*! Be gentle with yourself...and blessings (or thoughts if that word sounds safer) on your evaluation of all of this. Making no decision is truly still making A decision, and i am confident you will overcome.

Thrive, my dear friend, thrive! fight for that sunshine! it's worth it for you and your insiders!

love ya,

ang et al

Deborah said...

Just to let you know I was thinking about you today, Jennifer. Hoping very much that you are OK.

Journal of Healing said...

Also thinking of you guys. Hang in there, and keep fighting. (((sending safe hugs and love you guys's way...)))

us

English Rider said...

Missing you.

Malefic said...

She sounds like a fucking bitch! The fact that she is a christian makes it even more likely that she will continue to judge you and hide her malicious intentions under the guise of caring for her fellow man. I say kick her square in the ass, and then hide behind your disorder. Holla! That's what I would do!