Thursday, August 5, 2010

Locked

I locked myself out of Blogger.  I guess that is what I get with too many people trying to run the show around here.  But after going around and around with Blogger support, I'm back now.

I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others.  Some days are downright awful.  And some days are Disneyland.


For real. 

We went to Disneyland for vacation and my daughter had a blast.  It is always so intriguing to watch the world through her eyes and this experience was no different.  I went to Disneyland as a kid and I actually have some distinct memories of the trip.  But what my childlike thoughts were certainly do not mirror my daughter's thoughts. 

Going through "It's a Small World" was a surprise to me as a child.  So many beaming kids.  All singing the same song.  And the real kids on the ride; they were happy.  I was not.  But I remember painting on a plastic smile to match the characters while thinking... what is happening to me is not happening to these other kids... something is very wrong...

Now all these years later I am finally trying to wrap my arms around the wrong because my mind cannot comprehend it.  And that wrong these days is in my mind, my multitude of crippled friends, because the perpetrators are gone.  The wrong is frightening and so many times I want to slam and lock the door on it to take my time to intellectualize the pain.  Yet as I analyze my pain the wrong has tiny fists that pound the door.  Louder and louder; screaming for embrace until I unlock the door that acts as a threshold between my mind and my heart.

17 comments:

Mike Golch said...

I wonder how you mananged to loock your self out of blogger?Maybe Blogger and it's parent are just being a pain in the neck.I know gmail is giving me a little grief.

English Rider said...

Glad to see you back online. I'm not sure the "Real World Ride" is a foundation for reality:) Just about everyone I know cringes at that Ear-worm of a song. Life doesn't have to be saccharine.

Deborah said...

Good to see you back, Jennifer.

Shattered said...

Mike, I forgot my password and the email address my blogger acct was linked to had been deleted. It was a big mess and all my fault!

Jennifer

Shattered said...

ER, no definitely not reality LOL! And yep, that song was horrible by the time the ride was over; my daughter was even complaining...

Jennifer

Shattered said...

Thanks, Deborah! It's been so frustrating not to be able to log in and post. I hope you have been well. :)

Jennifer

Journal of Healing said...

Sure missed ya, Jennifer. Glad to see you back. Can totally related to this post. Whenever you set up an email acct again, let us know so that we can email you. <3...sending hope and peace.

us

Deborah said...

Being locked out is a way better explanation for your absence that all the others I was fearing. Really good to see you.

Ruth said...

I'm relieved to see you, Jennifer, but I'm also sorry about the frustrations with Blogger.

I find it moving that the Small World ride is present here. The image of that ride, which I've been on with my kids, which is yes, completely annoying by the end, is such a contrast with reality, and with your extreme experience of it. That you are facing the screams and fists is incredibly courageous, even if you don't feel ready for the embrace.

Friko said...

I too thought awful thoughts when you stayed away for so long. I am glad they weren't true.
Good to see you back. Do you realize that part of this post is 'normal'?
You are writing about a trip and watching your daughter's enjoyment of it. Progress, Jennifer.

svasti said...

That must have been very confusing as a child! And I'm so very glad that your daughter had such a different experience. I'm hoping it was much better for you the second time around, too.

Shattered said...

Ang, thanks! I will let you know when I get an email address going again... I keep meaning to and then I forget again.

Shattered said...

Ruth, thank you. Yes, it was a sharp contrast for sure. Very surreal.

Shattered said...

Friko, I do see the "normal" in the post and I like that a lot. Even though things are rough at times, I do have a good life and that is definitely progress. :)

Shattered said...

Svasti, it was very confusing BUT the experience this time around with my daughter made up for the previous confusion. Having kids around really helps you look at the world in a different way.

out of SILENCE said...

This is such a moving post. I'm glad you got to experience it all again, through new eyes, with your daughter.

Kyle said...

Sure missed ya, Jennifer. Glad to see you back. Can totally related to this post. Whenever you set up an email acct again, let us know so that we can email you. <3...sending hope and peace. us