Saturday, January 1, 2011

Lump

I find myself tangled in the lump of my throat.  Trapped somewhere between my mind of logic and my twisted and aching heart I am dizzy with conflict.  I am worth something.  I am worth nothing.  I am worth more than words can offer.

That familiar lump squeezes and twists my weary emotions as I grasp for a momentary breath of logic.  A thought that reassures what kindness says; an understanding that I am so much more than what they said.  But in that moment their words, their actions; they come crashing down on me as the lump threatens to engulf me.

Pain and bitter bile wash over me and the choices seem so non-existent.  Why else would their hatred spiral?  Why else would a child so young bear such deep and burdened scars?

It must be because I am worth so little.

The secrets that we shared.  The secrets that I keep.  These are the fuel to ignite a burning lump of torture.  I struggle to move on and I struggle to let go while the lump clutches its tiny treasure.  How do I feel my worth when all I feel is the pain wiping away even the smallest doubt that they might have been wrong?

I want to breathe.  I want to feel the full capacity of worth expand until that lump of disbelief is pushed aside for good.  I want to exhale until I know that they were wrong.

11 comments:

Deborah said...

Jennifer, I'm so glad to see you here. You've been much on my mind of late and I had tried to accept that I might not know if you were all right. You're never forgotten, even when you're absent. This might tell you that, even in the heart of a virtual stranger, you have worth.

Keep breathing. If exhaling gives your bad memories an exit route, then surely our esteem and caring can be in each inward breath. Breathe in the knowledge that you are a person worthy of love and compassion and understanding. Fill up your lungs with it.

For this New Year, I wish you peace, Jennifer. Comfort, companionship, reassurance and appreciation of your own goodness. Love and friendship, with yourself. You are important, and you are worthy - oh yes!

Warmest wishes to you.

Von said...

What a wonderful comment from Deborah!Impossible to top, so good wishes, keep breathing.It's yours to do.

Journal Of Healing said...

You can do it. You were designed to survive. We have faith in you guys--keep fighting. <3

us--Journal of Healing

JeannetteLS said...

Yours is one of the first blogs I had to visit as I wandered back here myself. Listen to what your heart is telling you. This is what one of my friends said to me these last seventeen months of... well. My OWN stuff. But back to you. Your heart is telling you the truth that overpowers, that knocks to HELL the messages of those other voices that told you you were less than... worthless... WHATEVER they said.

Read what you wrote outloud and leave out the "I want to's" and just listen to that heart shouting "I AM.."

She is right. Your voice, your heart, your being have worth precisely as you are. So there. May we all have a new year that brings us wonders and surprises that propel us forward into places of peace and laughter and a feeling that who we are contributes to the good around us. PLEASE take care, okay?

Friko said...

I am so sorry that I missed your return here and didn't come to visit sooner.

I would hate not to be around when your are; you and your writing are important to me and I value the clarity and honesty of it.

I wish you a new beginning and much love for the new year.
You will get there, of that I am certain. Nobody, who is as strong, courageous and worthy as you, can fail to do so.

English Rider said...

I just found that you had posted. Know that you are in our thoughts, even when we don't hear from you for a while.

Malefic said...

Hi Jennifer. I hope you are doing well. Please know that I've been watching for you, and keeping you in my thoughts. Your blog is one of the few that I can identify with. I wish I possessed your gift of words, but I am lacking. Knowing that you are out there and still surviving gives me hope. It may not be the happiest existence for you or the one you deserve, but you fight through it. If you can then I can too. Thanks for that.

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Tenzin Dasal (Tibetan Name) said...

Hello,
Just a little message to thank you for such an inspiring piece of work.
Trauma is a very strange thing and far too many times it is considered to be untreatable or incureable.
I came across your blog whilst looking for people with similar interests and it was a very well put together piece of work.
As you will see from my blog I am a trauma life coach working with the spiritual aspect of trauma as opposed to just the physical. For this reason I work from a spiritual but non religious perspective using non medical methods. Having experienced my own trauma I am aware of how little is understood and actually how trauma is often viewed as a mental illness when evidence shows it is not.
If I can be of help please contact me on my e mail.
Thank you again for your blog it was refreshing, maybe you could check mine out for further info.

With respect Tenzin Dasal.

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