Monday, May 23, 2011

Ummm...

So, I'll just start out by saying that I'm not a very good blogger.  I get busy.  I get tired.  I get overwhelmed.  Or in this case I just do my best to ignore it hoping that it will just go away.

But it doesn't go away. 

What started as ignoring turned into not giving a fuck.  And then not giving a fuck turned into the worst depression I have wandered into in more than 7 years.  And then that turned into some tears followed by a near trip to the hospital.

In all my mess I've had one absolute no and that is a no to ever going inpatient.  I don't like hospitals; especially the kind that my mother spent time in.  But last week I was one car ride away from crossing that last no off my list.  It's like a genetic bucket list for me.  Crazy... check  Medication... check  Self harm... check... Breakdown... check  Hospital... check.

Why am I here now?  Honestly I'm not really sure.  I still feel awful but I feel better than I did.  Because I finally got some help.  You see, I skipped out on therapy for nearly a month.  All my fault.

I'm the master of shutting people out.  I turn inward and if given enough time I can easily get lost in my weird little world.  But in shutting caring people out I also keep secrets.  To me that is no big deal considering how I grew up.  But now the secrets are hurting me.

Probably my biggest secret; I went off my meds.  All of them.  We have had some financial struggles as of late and I determined I was not worth the cost of the Dr. appointments or the medications themselves.  The money could be spent for better things that did not include myself.  I told no one of my decision and I told everyone inside of me to shut up.

Are you amazed at my stupidity?  I certainly am. 

But amazed isn't really the correct word.  I'm ashamed.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm angry at myself.  I'm frustrated because I can't just be better.  I'm scared to ask for the help I need when I need it.  And then I'm back to being ashamed because I had to ask for help.

I have taken some steps in the right direction.  I went to therapy and I'll go again this week.  I  said no to something that wanted to conflict with this week's appointment... I feel guilty about that.  I called to make an appointment to see a shrink.  I've stopped keeping recent secrets.

Small steps but steps nonetheless.  So read while you can; it's not often that you get a glimpse of me un-medicated.

3 comments:

Kathryn said...

I've been wondering about you. Hoping that you're OK. You should probably assume that I'm not the only stranger who cares. Picture a bunch of quirky humans in all shapes and sizes, going about their less-than-perfect days, thinking about you the odd time, and hoping that you're OK.

Deborah said...

Like Kath, I've had you on my mind. Every now and then checking to see who has left messages for you and if you'd replied. So it's good to see you, and no, I'm not really amazed that you went off your meds. I can see that you would have trouble making yourself and your health a priority, and I can certainly understand that you would have wanted to see if you could just be better. It will probably not be the last time you do that, always in the hope that the effect of the medication is permanent. Don't beat yourself up over it, Jennifer.
You're a bit different here - raw, more open, somehow, although you've never seemed closed off. I'm just glad to see you and please don't add 'failure to blog' to any list you might be keeping. You'll come here when you feel like it and we'll welcome you.

Journal of Healing said...

Missed you here, Shattered. I have a new blog link: fwerewritins.blogspot.com

Hang in there.

Angie et al from Journal of Healing