But it doesn't go away.
What started as ignoring turned into not giving a fuck. And then not giving a fuck turned into the worst depression I have wandered into in more than 7 years. And then that turned into some tears followed by a near trip to the hospital.
In all my mess I've had one absolute no and that is a no to ever going inpatient. I don't like hospitals; especially the kind that my mother spent time in. But last week I was one car ride away from crossing that last no off my list. It's like a genetic bucket list for me. Crazy... check Medication... check Self harm... check... Breakdown... check Hospital...
Why am I here now? Honestly I'm not really sure. I still feel awful but I feel better than I did. Because I finally got some help. You see, I skipped out on therapy for nearly a month. All my fault.
I'm the master of shutting people out. I turn inward and if given enough time I can easily get lost in my weird little world. But in shutting caring people out I also keep secrets. To me that is no big deal considering how I grew up. But now the secrets are hurting me.
Probably my biggest secret; I went off my meds. All of them. We have had some financial struggles as of late and I determined I was not worth the cost of the Dr. appointments or the medications themselves. The money could be spent for better things that did not include myself. I told no one of my decision and I told everyone inside of me to shut up.
Are you amazed at my stupidity? I certainly am.
But amazed isn't really the correct word. I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I'm angry at myself. I'm frustrated because I can't just be better. I'm scared to ask for the help I need when I need it. And then I'm back to being ashamed because I had to ask for help.
I have taken some steps in the right direction. I went to therapy and I'll go again this week. I said no to something that wanted to conflict with this week's appointment... I feel guilty about that. I called to make an appointment to see a shrink. I've stopped keeping recent secrets.
Small steps but steps nonetheless. So read while you can; it's not often that you get a glimpse of me un-medicated.