Thursday, October 6, 2011


Trying to appear normal while walking straight into a spiderweb of depression is tricky. 

The web, invisible to the average bystander, is sticky as it swirls and wraps around my mind.

I wave my hands furiously around my head trying to clear away the residue. 

Perhaps some around me watch and wonder what hidden foe I'm fighting as they clearly cannot see any physical source of my feverish panic. 

If those closest to me would stop and look; they would see what I'm fighting.  But instead they are holding their own hands in front of their faces. Trying not to see what is really going on.

The stringy web is there as no amount of fighting can remove the remaining shreds.  They surround me.  I struggle my best to remove them.  But even I cannot see the full scope of damage as darkness begins to fall.

And then I'm ensnared.


JeannetteLS said...

Sometimes we find our ways out of our individual webs when we stop fighting so hard, when we breathe, when we ignore those around who do not care to see, and become aware of unexpected eyes that see us to HELP us, unexpected arms that hold us, and unexpected paths to get out.

You are using your keyboard to get out. And there are kind eyes here, all around, who look only to support, to offer compassion, and sometimes a word or two to let you know that they have found ways out and believe that YOU will, too.

HOld onto that, if you can--that others, sometimes silent, are reading, appreciating and pulling for you.

May you let go of any shame in the knowledge that the shame lies with those who hurt, who degrade, who force--not with those who WERE hurt, who WERE degraded, who WERE forced.

Forgive my bluntness here, but SCREW the people who wanted you to shut up, who refused to see, who went LA LA LA , I can't HEAR YOU.

Sorry. I just wanted to get that out. JUST SCREW them. NOT you. YOU are the miracle that sprouted from all that waste and horror. YOU are the miracle flower in the desert, blooming from the ashes, from the muck.

I'll shut up now, and simply tell you I care.

Deborah said...

You are a gifted and descriptive writer, and it astonishes me that in the midst of your pain, you can find the words to describe it so well.

I'm willing those who are close to you to uncover their faces. Be gentle with yourself, Jennifer. Find a small bit of hope and focus on that.

Jessica @FoundtheMarbles said...

I had never thought of depression in terms of a web before but you stated it so eloquently and it makes so much sense now. Be kind to yourself as you push through this.