Friday, September 23, 2011


Two steps forward.  One step back.  Slam the door on the weeping skeleton.

My last post was horrible to write.  I still cringe when I attempt to read it.  I have wanted to delete it but I know that wouldn't do much good.  It still happened.  It still hurts.  I am still deeply ashamed.

Shame is a funny thing.  Sometimes I can push it to a corner of my mind.  Other times I cannot even wrap my mind around it to find a place for it to rest.

Sometimes I wonder if processing and grappling with every memory is meant to be.  What would be the harm of burying the horror if a larger amount has been handled?

Everyone has skeletons.  So what if mine are a little more fucked than usual.


Deborah said...

Jennifer, I'm hope I'm not being disingenuous when I suggest that the shame you feel could better be interpreted as shame for them. What you feel can't be intellectualized away, I know, but you know that no child - not you, not anyone - is ever to blame for what adults do.
Why re-read? Why not delete? Not out of shame, but out of letting go, maybe.

Von said...

I so agree with Deborah.You were not to blame, no child ever is for abuse of any kind.Responsibility for that rests firmly on the shoulders of those adults who abused. It is their bag, let them have it back, keep it and free yourself of the burden.Easy to say, harder to achieve but so worth the effort.Perhaps in time you will be ready to delete, a significant gesture for your future.

Just Be Real said...

Jen, sorry for you pain. Yes, shame is very damaging. Here supporting you and safe hugs.....

Maria said...

The best help in the world is sometimes on the tip of your pen or the tap of your keyboard.