Monday, September 19, 2011


I take it all back.  The part about not being bad.  The part about not being dirty.  The part about them being bad.

It's all me.

I wanted to believe that I'm none of the horrible things they said I was but the actions do not lie.  I can normally write about what hurts but I'm too ashamed to even do that.  When it appears in black and white it is real and ripe to be judged.

If I lock it in my head then it happened to the others.  Not me.

I used to believe that anger was the worst emotion.  I was wrong about that too. 

It's shame.  And it makes you feel less than human.


JeannetteLS said...

Oh, how you have captured this. Your words are so powerful, that I hope others read this and feel less alone, and recognize the shame we heap upon ourselves.

thank you for having the courage to be emotionally vulnerable and naked here. You are so incredibly courageous. May this week be gentle to you.

Deborah said...

All the shame that was theirs alone has found its expression in the child they abused. It's not yours. Tomorrow I hope you can realize that again.

JeannetteLS said...

Well said, Deborah. I left that crucial piece out of my comment--the shame we heap upon ourselves that is THEIRS ALONE. I am so glad you wrote that.

Von said...

Shame; how many of us feel that in one way or another and what a hazard it is in bad/abusive parenting and adoption.It is hard to speak of, to admit to but once aired you've begun the healing.